Play me the song of your soulMonday, January 3, 2011
Lovers on a battlefield
The rage that filled me was so comfortably familiar. I shame myself when I allow someone to push me to that point. And you know me so well. Too fucking well for your own good. You went against my wishes, you sped behind my back to fulfill your own agenda and I'm sorry but for that I cannot stand. I could have snapped, I was about to crack and you knew it. I saw the fucking fear in your eyes, that familiar fear I've seen just a few times before. Because you knew I was there. So close to the edge I was going to jump and I prepared myself for the consequences because I was willing to sit in the same cell you sat in on that stormy October night. But it was that look in your eye that stopped me because I refuse to lower myself to that point. Your not worth it and to this day I have yet to meet someone who actually is.
And what had me so angry, what had pushed me so far past the fucking brink was not the obvious. You went behind my back and you brought that shit to my sisters house which had me appropriately angry, but it wasnt that- no. It was the fact that you had the audacity to threaten me. to completely ignore what I did for you when the leaves were yellow and brittle. I lied for you. I risked myself. I was ready and willing to step in front of the train for you. It was coming full force and I stood there strong arms braced, body still, lips sealed to save you from what you rightfully deserved. But after all of that you can throw such threats easily into my waiting face.
You wanted to talk and I wanted to attack. You wanted to cry and I wanted to shout. You wanted what I wanted two weeks ago but I said too little too late. "Follow me" you said and I dont know why but I did. Old habits die slow I suppose. But I knew. I knew this would be nothing but bad. And we sat there on that stoop and we turned in circles and spoke the same words and accusations and denial flew like garbage in the wind. In the end we left angry and defeated.
Who exactly is this dark haired man that sits before me? You don't look good that much I can say. Your skin looks gray and puffy bags beneath your eyes sit still atop your freckled cheeks. You look tired and troubled, hurt and beaten, stumbling and weak. Your brown eyes look the same as I remember them but the soul that hides deep behind- well that's nothing but strange and unfamiliar. Your lips part and your voice sounds like home but the words you speak mean nothing, nothing at all. My heart constricts and my breath catches in my throat because how did we get here? You used to know me better than I knew myself but now... well now you don't know me at all. Your touch feels like a strangers and we have pushed and beaten, shoved and hurt eachother so much that this is it. This is who we are now, we stand at opposite ends of the battlefield both unwilling to drop our arms.
"And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Did'nt I my dear"
Mumford and Sons
And what had me so angry, what had pushed me so far past the fucking brink was not the obvious. You went behind my back and you brought that shit to my sisters house which had me appropriately angry, but it wasnt that- no. It was the fact that you had the audacity to threaten me. to completely ignore what I did for you when the leaves were yellow and brittle. I lied for you. I risked myself. I was ready and willing to step in front of the train for you. It was coming full force and I stood there strong arms braced, body still, lips sealed to save you from what you rightfully deserved. But after all of that you can throw such threats easily into my waiting face.
You wanted to talk and I wanted to attack. You wanted to cry and I wanted to shout. You wanted what I wanted two weeks ago but I said too little too late. "Follow me" you said and I dont know why but I did. Old habits die slow I suppose. But I knew. I knew this would be nothing but bad. And we sat there on that stoop and we turned in circles and spoke the same words and accusations and denial flew like garbage in the wind. In the end we left angry and defeated.
Who exactly is this dark haired man that sits before me? You don't look good that much I can say. Your skin looks gray and puffy bags beneath your eyes sit still atop your freckled cheeks. You look tired and troubled, hurt and beaten, stumbling and weak. Your brown eyes look the same as I remember them but the soul that hides deep behind- well that's nothing but strange and unfamiliar. Your lips part and your voice sounds like home but the words you speak mean nothing, nothing at all. My heart constricts and my breath catches in my throat because how did we get here? You used to know me better than I knew myself but now... well now you don't know me at all. Your touch feels like a strangers and we have pushed and beaten, shoved and hurt eachother so much that this is it. This is who we are now, we stand at opposite ends of the battlefield both unwilling to drop our arms.
"And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Did'nt I my dear"
Mumford and Sons
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Come down now, They'll say
I'm sitting here at the park I used to escape to often when we used to live in the modest yellow house on Initial street. The sun is low in the sky and the soft breeze puts goose bumps on my bare legs. I don't know why I came here. Out of all the parks in this town, but my blinker turned left and I ended up here. And now I'm sitting here chain smoking and listening to the saddest music I can conjure on my Ipod. Sulking. Thinking. Stalling.
In a few short days (five to be exact) I'll be sitting in my new apartment. Alone. Defeated. New. I don't know how ill feel then, and frankly I don't really know how I feel now. I'm so confused about it all, how I ended up here, how we ended up here. On December 31st I made a declaration. The year of change. But I had no idea exactly how true that was going to be. We're halfway through 2010 and my life has flipped a 180 and new meets me everyday. When I announced that in our living room in the last few hours of December I have to admit, it was a bit of a threat. A warning. I thought I was warning him but unbeknownst to me, I was actually warning myself. Brace yourself Bonnie- this is going to be a rough ride.
In a few short days (five to be exact) I'll be sitting in my new apartment. Alone. Defeated. New. I don't know how ill feel then, and frankly I don't really know how I feel now. I'm so confused about it all, how I ended up here, how we ended up here. On December 31st I made a declaration. The year of change. But I had no idea exactly how true that was going to be. We're halfway through 2010 and my life has flipped a 180 and new meets me everyday. When I announced that in our living room in the last few hours of December I have to admit, it was a bit of a threat. A warning. I thought I was warning him but unbeknownst to me, I was actually warning myself. Brace yourself Bonnie- this is going to be a rough ride.
But right now I don't want to think of the present. Of how I'm alone, lonely and lost. How I've been homeless for two months. How I've experienced new things and have had some of the best times of my life so far as of recent. No, right now all I can think about is the years past. Of how the music that comes across the screen of my Ipod brings such vivid memories flowing over me- into me. And suddenly I'm not in my last weeks of being twenty-one. I'm not sitting here with the scent of tobacco draped over me- a scent I loathe. I'm not fifteen pounds lighter, years wiser, and skin thicker.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
We're squeezed together in the darkness. On that tiny daybed we used to live on. Whispering words of admiration in each others wet ears. Fingertips tracing, lips tasting, love swelling. Peace in our souls, excitement on our tongues. Your hair so shaggy, tucked under a knit beanie like always. I'm running my fingers through the dark, always slightly greasy locks and we're laughing until it hurts about who knows what. Your hands on my hips like fire. Its just us in this room of darkness. The whole world is miles away, even though my parents sit in the next room, not quite knowing the immensity of the love blooming so close to them. We've been laying here for hours but we never want to leave.
We've been talking for days but we never want to stop.
We've been loving for such a short time but cant wait for more.
I loved you so much, so wholly and pure that nothing else in my life made any difference. You were my left and I was your right. Separate we were lost but together we could take on the world. We heard their doubts and felt the sting of their words but it made no difference to us. We were young. Sixteen and in love. Fifteen and consumed by the presence of my only. I believed so completely that you were it. That I found you and you sought me and we would forever live in the vastness of the other. From the day our eyes first met I loved you. From the moment your fingers touched my skin I wanted you. From the first note of your voice I never wanted you to be quiet.
I was fifteen but felt grown. You took me from the naive, lost, just learning little girl I was to the grown, loved, experienced woman I was to become. We laid on that bed under the warmth of a blanket, intoxicated by the scent of the other and every word we spoke was like a whisper to the soul. Every touch we felt was like a secret told to the other.
'I need you so much closer'.
It was like we could never be close enough. And when we would talk all the words there were to talk, we would grow quiet. Letting our bodies do the talking. We were young but old enough to know. It felt so right and so wrong at the same time. Maybe I gave myself to you too soon, but it didn't matter. I gave you my body, but it was my soul you earned. I handed over every part of myself wrapped in delicate paper and tied with a crimson bow. Without reservations. Without doubt, or worry I gave you myself never once thinking you could do anything but accept it with the utmost care and gratitude. We would move to the floor to avoid the creaking of the wood slats under the soft mattress, but it never felt cheap. Nothing with you ever felt anything but perfect. We were silent. Nothing but the faint inhalation in my throat and my exhale whispering softly could be heard. Cool perspiration would form on our foreheads and my long blonde hair would always somehow fall loose from its restraints. We would be at it for hours, never wanting to stop. Never imagining one without the other. Our eyes would widen and stillness would ensue whenever a creaky floorboard could be heard. And when we'd had enough we would move back to the bed and in each others arms we would once again be.
In that room we planned our life. We built our house and named our kids. We ran away and gave each other the life we felt we deserved. In that room we grew together. We laughed and cried. We hoped and we felt defeated. We argued and made up. We were invincible but so small at the same time. If the walls of that room could talk, it would speak the words of young love. So textbook, but so unique all at once. If I could bottle the scent of the air it would smell of candies perfume and you. If it could offer advise it would have told us to remember every single moment spent within its walls. That those days were limited and that life would never be as simple or innocent as it was at that time. And if the memories I have of that room tell me anything it would be to never regret- not for a second what we had together because it was perfect and special, and complex and deeper than anything we may ever have again.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
I think back to those days and I feel so lucky. So fortunate to have experienced what we did together. And nothing. Not the mistakes made or the hateful words spoken or the anger thrown at each other can taint that. And I can say I tried. I tried so fucking hard to hold onto that love that used to dwell between us. I never wanted to let it go. I never wanted you to let me go. But you did and I did now I'm gone and oh my fuck how I miss you so. And I'm so scared and so hurt and so desperate. But you cant force whats not there. You cant patch whats been cracked. You cant ever be the same as when you were young and in love.
“When the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images
And when we kiss
Their perfectly aligned”
-The postal service
*written on 7.30.10
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
But I fear our time has come
It was 11:00 at night and we had been working since morning. We knew that this was it and bitterness filled the air. The goal was to be finished by midnight- the day that we actually had to be out, but it was apparent before then that we weren't quite finished. One more day was all we needed, but still this felt like the end. Tonight would be the first night that we went our separate ways. You, to your parents house. Me, to my best friends house. And when we were so tired we just couldn't do it anymore we circled the house, locking windows and turning down light switches. We turned the porch light on, locked the door and stepped into the cool nights air. And I lost it. But you had it together. I felt my heart crack and the breath catch in my throat. I was nothing but cold sweat in the cool early June air and the tears came without permission. I cried and I cried and I said that I didn't want this. I was overcome with emotion ready to go back on everything that I had said because I love you and I want you and oh God please don't leave me...
But you felt nothing. I stood there and cried and you wrapped your arms around me in the reassuring grip of one friend to another. And it made me so angry that you were so unaffected by this. But at the time I was only angry that this was so easy for you, the hurt not quite set in. But I still thought that I needed to give you time. That your tears and your heartache would come and that you would reach out to me. But it didn't happen, and it still hasn't happened. And now I am just left with a great feeling of confusion. I haven't allowed myself to cry, or grieve over this. Partially because I'm hurting so much that Ive reached that blockage that wont allow tears, and partially because I'm afraid that if I start crying I wont ever stop.
What happened to us? We used to be so in love. We had such passion for each other. Our love was strong, unbreakable, and invincible. It didn't matter what we did or didn't do, as long as we were with the other we were happy. Somehow that intense love turned into pointed fingers, crossed arms, and a lack of trying. I am not perfect and I have made plenty of mistakes of my own when it comes to us, but I feel like I have tried and tried and tried until my heart was laying on the floor and my arms fatigued from the grasp of trying to keep everything together. And I will not apologize for feeling like you stopped trying along time ago. Slowly we stopped going out, we stopped cuddling in the afternoon, we stopped laughing the way we used to, we stopped making love almost entirely, we stopped being us. And eventually I just got tired of being ignored and hurt and I tried to talk with you. Tried to get to the bottom of why this was happening but it never got us anywhere. And your responses would do nothing but hurt me. Because none of that used to matter.
It never used to matter what was on the tv because we would huddle under a blanket and cuddle and talk and laugh and just exist together. We would talk about our futures and we would talk about our past. But now I cant remember the last time we did this. Now all I remember is me alone under the blanket, and you across the room seperating us with the computer, or video games, or the tv. It never used to matter the destination we could just drive to drive. We would hold hands and crank the radio. We would be silent but we were so connected that we were constantly communicating, even without words. Sunny days with the windows down and music notes pumping from the speakers are some of my favorite memoreis. Days where we would drive from the afternoon until the sun was setting below the horizen behind us. But now all we ever do is point A to point B and as im turning the music up your right behind me turning it down. It never used to matter what time it was. We were so happy to be sleeping next to eachother that we would wake up and scooch closer together to feel the softness of eachothers skin, and then we would drift in and out of sleep for hours. Cuddeling and laughing, and ignoring phone calls. It never used to matter what the argument was we would fight and yell and then we would apologize and kiss and go on with our lives. We loved each other unconditionally and there was not one thing I could think of that I disliked about you. But now...
You have given up. For what reasons? I'm not really sure. Maybe I made things too easy for you. I took care of you, cleaned the house, made you dinner every night, listened to you talk and did everything that I could to make you happy. I acted as your wife without the commitment and you liked that a whole lot. And eventually instead of feeling pride for everything i did for you I began to feel used and taken advantage of. I felt like I was getting nothing in return, like I was in this relationship alone, and slowly resentment began to set in. Or maybe you really have just lost your love for me. And if that is the case then my heart will break but I'll be ok. Because I just want you to be happy, and know that I deserve to be happy as well. But I just want to know so that I can stop investing myself in a dead end dream. There used to be a time where I was all you needed. There used to be a time you couldn't keep your hands off me. There used to be a time you couldn't imagine falling asleep when we were apart without saying goodnight. There used to be a time where you would do everything that you could to keep me.
I never want to regret all the years that we spent together. Please don't ever make me regret that. And I pray that we can make this work. That we can fix whats broken and get back to how we used to be. But I know that things can never be the same. That once certain lines are crossed you can never go back. I know that relationships change and grow and stagger at certain points but I know that I deserve more. I want to be with a man that cant imagine his life without me, not someone who is indifferent. And this hurts so much but now I have to step back. Because I cant be the one to hold this together any longer.
i said i wish that we could stay here
but i fear our time is come
we could ride out in the darkness
chasing the rising sun
we gotta pack our bags this instant
we're headin' southbound til the next town
and if we arrive there so safely
baby you could lay me down
-The Dirty Heads, Lay me down
But you felt nothing. I stood there and cried and you wrapped your arms around me in the reassuring grip of one friend to another. And it made me so angry that you were so unaffected by this. But at the time I was only angry that this was so easy for you, the hurt not quite set in. But I still thought that I needed to give you time. That your tears and your heartache would come and that you would reach out to me. But it didn't happen, and it still hasn't happened. And now I am just left with a great feeling of confusion. I haven't allowed myself to cry, or grieve over this. Partially because I'm hurting so much that Ive reached that blockage that wont allow tears, and partially because I'm afraid that if I start crying I wont ever stop.
What happened to us? We used to be so in love. We had such passion for each other. Our love was strong, unbreakable, and invincible. It didn't matter what we did or didn't do, as long as we were with the other we were happy. Somehow that intense love turned into pointed fingers, crossed arms, and a lack of trying. I am not perfect and I have made plenty of mistakes of my own when it comes to us, but I feel like I have tried and tried and tried until my heart was laying on the floor and my arms fatigued from the grasp of trying to keep everything together. And I will not apologize for feeling like you stopped trying along time ago. Slowly we stopped going out, we stopped cuddling in the afternoon, we stopped laughing the way we used to, we stopped making love almost entirely, we stopped being us. And eventually I just got tired of being ignored and hurt and I tried to talk with you. Tried to get to the bottom of why this was happening but it never got us anywhere. And your responses would do nothing but hurt me. Because none of that used to matter.
It never used to matter what was on the tv because we would huddle under a blanket and cuddle and talk and laugh and just exist together. We would talk about our futures and we would talk about our past. But now I cant remember the last time we did this. Now all I remember is me alone under the blanket, and you across the room seperating us with the computer, or video games, or the tv. It never used to matter the destination we could just drive to drive. We would hold hands and crank the radio. We would be silent but we were so connected that we were constantly communicating, even without words. Sunny days with the windows down and music notes pumping from the speakers are some of my favorite memoreis. Days where we would drive from the afternoon until the sun was setting below the horizen behind us. But now all we ever do is point A to point B and as im turning the music up your right behind me turning it down. It never used to matter what time it was. We were so happy to be sleeping next to eachother that we would wake up and scooch closer together to feel the softness of eachothers skin, and then we would drift in and out of sleep for hours. Cuddeling and laughing, and ignoring phone calls. It never used to matter what the argument was we would fight and yell and then we would apologize and kiss and go on with our lives. We loved each other unconditionally and there was not one thing I could think of that I disliked about you. But now...
You have given up. For what reasons? I'm not really sure. Maybe I made things too easy for you. I took care of you, cleaned the house, made you dinner every night, listened to you talk and did everything that I could to make you happy. I acted as your wife without the commitment and you liked that a whole lot. And eventually instead of feeling pride for everything i did for you I began to feel used and taken advantage of. I felt like I was getting nothing in return, like I was in this relationship alone, and slowly resentment began to set in. Or maybe you really have just lost your love for me. And if that is the case then my heart will break but I'll be ok. Because I just want you to be happy, and know that I deserve to be happy as well. But I just want to know so that I can stop investing myself in a dead end dream. There used to be a time where I was all you needed. There used to be a time you couldn't keep your hands off me. There used to be a time you couldn't imagine falling asleep when we were apart without saying goodnight. There used to be a time where you would do everything that you could to keep me.
I never want to regret all the years that we spent together. Please don't ever make me regret that. And I pray that we can make this work. That we can fix whats broken and get back to how we used to be. But I know that things can never be the same. That once certain lines are crossed you can never go back. I know that relationships change and grow and stagger at certain points but I know that I deserve more. I want to be with a man that cant imagine his life without me, not someone who is indifferent. And this hurts so much but now I have to step back. Because I cant be the one to hold this together any longer.
i said i wish that we could stay here
but i fear our time is come
we could ride out in the darkness
chasing the rising sun
we gotta pack our bags this instant
we're headin' southbound til the next town
and if we arrive there so safely
baby you could lay me down
-The Dirty Heads, Lay me down
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Under everything, Just another Human being
I am sitting here surrounded by darkness of a room that isn't mine, sitting on the firmness of a bed on loan, sitting here listening to the rhythmic beat of the spring rain that falls outside of a window that doesn't belong to me. I'm alone and I'm lonely. Confused, torn, lost, broken, tired, and defeated. Once again each night I have sat down to chronicle the events of the last several days and I have just been unable to. I don't want to speak or write the words of the reality that has fallen into our laps. And while a million different thoughts and regrets and questions are running through my brain there is a constant whisper in the darkened corners taunting me that this is what I wanted. We bought the boxes, carefully shaped them into squares, secured them tightly with bright red duct tape and packed away the days of our lives. We stacked the memories, and wrapped the laughter in bubble wrap so carefully as not to damage the integrity. We said goodbye to slammed doors and crossed arms leaving those memories to sleep for good. And when I entered the bedroom that we shared for nearly two years, completely empty from everything that was once us- diminished to nothing but ugly brown carpet and semi white walls I was overwhelmed with memories of saturday mornings. With the sun shining in the windows, us under the sheets, faces tinged blue from the dyed cloth, belly laughing until it ached so good , completly lost in the moments that were ours and no one else's. I remembered the nights that the unknown woke me from sleep leaving me quietly laying in the softness when you would stir next to me, roll over and wrap your arms around me. Subconsciously protecting me from whatever lay in the dark. We were so connected that you knew when I needed you even when you were peacefully slumbering away. And even when I tried I was unable to think of the shameful times where words were thrown and names were called. The times when we forgot who we were and allowed anger and jealousy and hurt turn us into strangers with furrowed brows and rigid shoulders.
We stripped the walls and rolled the rugs of the living room. Packing away every detail that made this small, outdated two bedroom duplex with the crooked corners and the brown accents ours. I stayed strong and focused in front of you. But as soon as you left for another errand I sat on the slate grey carpet surrounded by random trinkets yet to be tucked away, listening to nothing but the rain outside and I cried. Big round tears formed in my eyes and slid off my chin into the carpet that we'll never collapse on in a fit of tickles and laughs again. I thought of the friends that have sat in our living room, on the furniture that we chose together and laughed with us and shared our home, and the pride that we held for creating this place. I thought of the movies watched under the safety of the red blanket with the lights turned low and our puppy tucked snugly between us. So comfortable, so safe, and content that I usually never made it through a whole movie. But I didnt think of the backs turned and the frustrating conversations that we seemed to have a hundred times never getting anywhere.
We wrapped each dish in each cubbard carefully with newspaper in hopes of not losing any to chipped edges or cracked faces in the move. We packed away the smells that used to fill the house and make belly's grumble. We slid the pride I would have when I created a new dish or perfected an old one, into plastic bins and stuffed them to the top. I saw myself standing at the cutting board chopping colorful vegetables, creating memories of my own. I chose to see that instead of the dishes piled high neglected for weeks much to my dismay.
And then we loaded the trailer, we stuffed the wagon, and filled the Passat and we drove our lives to the 10x10 we rented down the road. And then you drove away. Off to your parents house. Back to the place that carries bad memories and hurt childhoods, but it is where you chose. I turned the other direction left to float between a generous friends family and my sisters house. Relying on my car to be my closet. I never in a thousand stormy days thought that I would be homeless at any point in my life. But here I am and I could sit here and go into each reason why I chose what I chose and detail how the inner conflict between my head and my heart is panning out but today, I am not going to do that. Today I am going to leave this post to chronicle the love that we shared in that house. To pay respect to the two years that we were happy there. To offer hope to the prospect of rebuilding what has been broken in order to get back to the toothy grins and silly faces that we have shared for nearly seven years. There is plenty of time to work through the complex and tangled reasons why we are in this situation to begin with. But for now, all I can do is Just breath.
"Oh I'm a lucky (wo)man, to count on both hands
the ones I love,..
Some folks just have one,
yeah, others, they've got none, huh-uh
Stay with me,..
Let's just breathe.
Practiced are my sins,
never gonna let me win, aw-huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,..
Yeh, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world
to make me bleed.
Stay with me,..
You're all I see. "
-Pearl Jam, Just Breathe
We stripped the walls and rolled the rugs of the living room. Packing away every detail that made this small, outdated two bedroom duplex with the crooked corners and the brown accents ours. I stayed strong and focused in front of you. But as soon as you left for another errand I sat on the slate grey carpet surrounded by random trinkets yet to be tucked away, listening to nothing but the rain outside and I cried. Big round tears formed in my eyes and slid off my chin into the carpet that we'll never collapse on in a fit of tickles and laughs again. I thought of the friends that have sat in our living room, on the furniture that we chose together and laughed with us and shared our home, and the pride that we held for creating this place. I thought of the movies watched under the safety of the red blanket with the lights turned low and our puppy tucked snugly between us. So comfortable, so safe, and content that I usually never made it through a whole movie. But I didnt think of the backs turned and the frustrating conversations that we seemed to have a hundred times never getting anywhere.
We wrapped each dish in each cubbard carefully with newspaper in hopes of not losing any to chipped edges or cracked faces in the move. We packed away the smells that used to fill the house and make belly's grumble. We slid the pride I would have when I created a new dish or perfected an old one, into plastic bins and stuffed them to the top. I saw myself standing at the cutting board chopping colorful vegetables, creating memories of my own. I chose to see that instead of the dishes piled high neglected for weeks much to my dismay.
And then we loaded the trailer, we stuffed the wagon, and filled the Passat and we drove our lives to the 10x10 we rented down the road. And then you drove away. Off to your parents house. Back to the place that carries bad memories and hurt childhoods, but it is where you chose. I turned the other direction left to float between a generous friends family and my sisters house. Relying on my car to be my closet. I never in a thousand stormy days thought that I would be homeless at any point in my life. But here I am and I could sit here and go into each reason why I chose what I chose and detail how the inner conflict between my head and my heart is panning out but today, I am not going to do that. Today I am going to leave this post to chronicle the love that we shared in that house. To pay respect to the two years that we were happy there. To offer hope to the prospect of rebuilding what has been broken in order to get back to the toothy grins and silly faces that we have shared for nearly seven years. There is plenty of time to work through the complex and tangled reasons why we are in this situation to begin with. But for now, all I can do is Just breath.
"Oh I'm a lucky (wo)man, to count on both hands
the ones I love,..
Some folks just have one,
yeah, others, they've got none, huh-uh
Stay with me,..
Let's just breathe.
Practiced are my sins,
never gonna let me win, aw-huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,..
Yeh, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world
to make me bleed.
Stay with me,..
You're all I see. "
-Pearl Jam, Just Breathe
Monday, May 31, 2010
I need you so much closer
I never thought that I would end up here. But here I am and I'm lost, and I'm alone, confused and broken. I don't know what to do now, or next and I'm not even quite sure what to say. Usually through the dark crevices of my brain words can flow freely from my fingertips to document the times and the feelings, the events, and the troubles. But not this time. In a few short days I will be without a home. Stuck in a place with no address and no belongings that are mine. Over the past several days we have begun packing our home. The place that was ours for a year and four months. The place that has seen the highest highs and some devastating lows, the place that I will cry, and mourn for once the keys are out of our hands. This is quite possibly one of the most difficult times in my life. And it is exceedingly difficult to believe that things will get better eventually. There isn't one area where I feel secure. Not one place in my life that is a constant. That I feel like I can breath easy and sleep with confidence that at least I have this. Or at least that will not change. And while I sit here in the bare room of the house we worked so hard for I cant help but feel like the walls around me are cracking. That the world is crumbling around me and I am just desperately trying to shelter my head, trying to cover my face, trying to protect my body from as much damage as possible. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know where to start piecing the fallen bits of my life back together and how to create a new life from scratch in place of the old one.
I have just been in a constant state of near tears. Doing everything I can to hold back the tears with the dams that are my eyelids, trying to stay strong, be solid and grit my teeth through it all. But I wont lie and say that it has been easy. Packing up a home with 7 years of memories in it, boxing up love and hope, bagging your past present and future with a man whom you always thought would be the one is perhaps one of the most difficult things you could ever do. And while my heart is saying one thing I know that I must listen to my head, heed the warning in my gut and go with what they say. Because your heart can play tricks on you. It can lead you to believe that love is enough. That just because we have the bond that we have, since we have the love and the history that we have, since this is all tearing me up inside that we should stop this all and go back to who we were. But in the end I know that that is wrong. And as much as I would love to believe that love is enough, it really isn't. Because right now we are broken. There are so many things that need to change, so many lines that can never be uncrossed, so many cuts that need to heal before we can begin to make decisions for our future. And the world has a way of making the difficult, excruciating. Because while I would love to use this time to run on auto pilot. To clear my brain and think of good things it is impossible. The pictures and the cards from years passed that I run into while packing and unpacking make it impossible to not shed tears for times that once were. It is mourning a past that should have been the present. It is laying to rest a future that may never happen.
And I feel alone. Because over the last 6 and a half years you have been my constant. You have been my rock, and my foundation. You have been there for me when no one else would be. You have shown me what it is to love a persons faults. You have laughed with me, loved me when no one else would. You have rubbed my back as I threw up, sick enough that I felt I would never get better. You have covered my bare arms with a blanket that I was too weak to pull up on my own, sick from a flare that I felt could end me. You have filled my tank when my pocket was empty and you have filled my spirit when it was just as empty. And even now after the decisions have been made you continue to offer support to me, your best friend.
In a few short days I will be sitting in the house of near strangers. A friend so generous to offer me a place to stay until I can find my own, but with his parents presents the difficult part. I will be a guest for two weeks. Stuck in a place of uncertainty. With no place to call my own. And while this will be such a challenging time for me I hope that I can begin to heal. That through the process of being on my own. Of signing a lease into my own name and filling an apartment with everything that only I want I can begin to self reflect. To mend my broken self so that in turn, we can mend what has been broken between us. I hope that I can finally create the life that I've been speaking of for so long. I hope that I can overcome my fears, beat them to the ground and accomplish the things that I should have long ago. My goal is to work on enlightenment mentally, physically, and spiritually. Because it is never to late to create the life that you dreamed for yourself and it is never too late to be the person you know you should be. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know what God has intended for my future, And I don't know what is going to happen to us in the end. But the one thing that I wish for the both of us, the one thing that I want for you more than anything and the one thing that we both deserve is happiness. In whatever we are doing, and wherever we go in our futures I pray for nothing but peace and happiness for you. And to know that whatever has happened or will happen,
I will love you forever and always.
I have just been in a constant state of near tears. Doing everything I can to hold back the tears with the dams that are my eyelids, trying to stay strong, be solid and grit my teeth through it all. But I wont lie and say that it has been easy. Packing up a home with 7 years of memories in it, boxing up love and hope, bagging your past present and future with a man whom you always thought would be the one is perhaps one of the most difficult things you could ever do. And while my heart is saying one thing I know that I must listen to my head, heed the warning in my gut and go with what they say. Because your heart can play tricks on you. It can lead you to believe that love is enough. That just because we have the bond that we have, since we have the love and the history that we have, since this is all tearing me up inside that we should stop this all and go back to who we were. But in the end I know that that is wrong. And as much as I would love to believe that love is enough, it really isn't. Because right now we are broken. There are so many things that need to change, so many lines that can never be uncrossed, so many cuts that need to heal before we can begin to make decisions for our future. And the world has a way of making the difficult, excruciating. Because while I would love to use this time to run on auto pilot. To clear my brain and think of good things it is impossible. The pictures and the cards from years passed that I run into while packing and unpacking make it impossible to not shed tears for times that once were. It is mourning a past that should have been the present. It is laying to rest a future that may never happen.
And I feel alone. Because over the last 6 and a half years you have been my constant. You have been my rock, and my foundation. You have been there for me when no one else would be. You have shown me what it is to love a persons faults. You have laughed with me, loved me when no one else would. You have rubbed my back as I threw up, sick enough that I felt I would never get better. You have covered my bare arms with a blanket that I was too weak to pull up on my own, sick from a flare that I felt could end me. You have filled my tank when my pocket was empty and you have filled my spirit when it was just as empty. And even now after the decisions have been made you continue to offer support to me, your best friend.
In a few short days I will be sitting in the house of near strangers. A friend so generous to offer me a place to stay until I can find my own, but with his parents presents the difficult part. I will be a guest for two weeks. Stuck in a place of uncertainty. With no place to call my own. And while this will be such a challenging time for me I hope that I can begin to heal. That through the process of being on my own. Of signing a lease into my own name and filling an apartment with everything that only I want I can begin to self reflect. To mend my broken self so that in turn, we can mend what has been broken between us. I hope that I can finally create the life that I've been speaking of for so long. I hope that I can overcome my fears, beat them to the ground and accomplish the things that I should have long ago. My goal is to work on enlightenment mentally, physically, and spiritually. Because it is never to late to create the life that you dreamed for yourself and it is never too late to be the person you know you should be. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know what God has intended for my future, And I don't know what is going to happen to us in the end. But the one thing that I wish for the both of us, the one thing that I want for you more than anything and the one thing that we both deserve is happiness. In whatever we are doing, and wherever we go in our futures I pray for nothing but peace and happiness for you. And to know that whatever has happened or will happen,
I will love you forever and always.
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