I am sitting here surrounded by darkness of a room that isn't mine, sitting on the firmness of a bed on loan, sitting here listening to the rhythmic beat of the spring rain that falls outside of a window that doesn't belong to me. I'm alone and I'm lonely. Confused, torn, lost, broken, tired, and defeated. Once again each night I have sat down to chronicle the events of the last several days and I have just been unable to. I don't want to speak or write the words of the reality that has fallen into our laps. And while a million different thoughts and regrets and questions are running through my brain there is a constant whisper in the darkened corners taunting me that this is what I wanted. We bought the boxes, carefully shaped them into squares, secured them tightly with bright red duct tape and packed away the days of our lives. We stacked the memories, and wrapped the laughter in bubble wrap so carefully as not to damage the integrity. We said goodbye to slammed doors and crossed arms leaving those memories to sleep for good. And when I entered the bedroom that we shared for nearly two years, completely empty from everything that was once us- diminished to nothing but ugly brown carpet and semi white walls I was overwhelmed with memories of saturday mornings. With the sun shining in the windows, us under the sheets, faces tinged blue from the dyed cloth, belly laughing until it ached so good , completly lost in the moments that were ours and no one else's. I remembered the nights that the unknown woke me from sleep leaving me quietly laying in the softness when you would stir next to me, roll over and wrap your arms around me. Subconsciously protecting me from whatever lay in the dark. We were so connected that you knew when I needed you even when you were peacefully slumbering away. And even when I tried I was unable to think of the shameful times where words were thrown and names were called. The times when we forgot who we were and allowed anger and jealousy and hurt turn us into strangers with furrowed brows and rigid shoulders.
We stripped the walls and rolled the rugs of the living room. Packing away every detail that made this small, outdated two bedroom duplex with the crooked corners and the brown accents ours. I stayed strong and focused in front of you. But as soon as you left for another errand I sat on the slate grey carpet surrounded by random trinkets yet to be tucked away, listening to nothing but the rain outside and I cried. Big round tears formed in my eyes and slid off my chin into the carpet that we'll never collapse on in a fit of tickles and laughs again. I thought of the friends that have sat in our living room, on the furniture that we chose together and laughed with us and shared our home, and the pride that we held for creating this place. I thought of the movies watched under the safety of the red blanket with the lights turned low and our puppy tucked snugly between us. So comfortable, so safe, and content that I usually never made it through a whole movie. But I didnt think of the backs turned and the frustrating conversations that we seemed to have a hundred times never getting anywhere.
We wrapped each dish in each cubbard carefully with newspaper in hopes of not losing any to chipped edges or cracked faces in the move. We packed away the smells that used to fill the house and make belly's grumble. We slid the pride I would have when I created a new dish or perfected an old one, into plastic bins and stuffed them to the top. I saw myself standing at the cutting board chopping colorful vegetables, creating memories of my own. I chose to see that instead of the dishes piled high neglected for weeks much to my dismay.
And then we loaded the trailer, we stuffed the wagon, and filled the Passat and we drove our lives to the 10x10 we rented down the road. And then you drove away. Off to your parents house. Back to the place that carries bad memories and hurt childhoods, but it is where you chose. I turned the other direction left to float between a generous friends family and my sisters house. Relying on my car to be my closet. I never in a thousand stormy days thought that I would be homeless at any point in my life. But here I am and I could sit here and go into each reason why I chose what I chose and detail how the inner conflict between my head and my heart is panning out but today, I am not going to do that. Today I am going to leave this post to chronicle the love that we shared in that house. To pay respect to the two years that we were happy there. To offer hope to the prospect of rebuilding what has been broken in order to get back to the toothy grins and silly faces that we have shared for nearly seven years. There is plenty of time to work through the complex and tangled reasons why we are in this situation to begin with. But for now, all I can do is Just breath.
"Oh I'm a lucky (wo)man, to count on both hands
the ones I love,..
Some folks just have one,
yeah, others, they've got none, huh-uh
Stay with me,..
Let's just breathe.
Practiced are my sins,
never gonna let me win, aw-huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,..
Yeh, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world
to make me bleed.
Stay with me,..
You're all I see. "
-Pearl Jam, Just Breathe
Showing posts with label young love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label young love. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
I need you so much closer
I never thought that I would end up here. But here I am and I'm lost, and I'm alone, confused and broken. I don't know what to do now, or next and I'm not even quite sure what to say. Usually through the dark crevices of my brain words can flow freely from my fingertips to document the times and the feelings, the events, and the troubles. But not this time. In a few short days I will be without a home. Stuck in a place with no address and no belongings that are mine. Over the past several days we have begun packing our home. The place that was ours for a year and four months. The place that has seen the highest highs and some devastating lows, the place that I will cry, and mourn for once the keys are out of our hands. This is quite possibly one of the most difficult times in my life. And it is exceedingly difficult to believe that things will get better eventually. There isn't one area where I feel secure. Not one place in my life that is a constant. That I feel like I can breath easy and sleep with confidence that at least I have this. Or at least that will not change. And while I sit here in the bare room of the house we worked so hard for I cant help but feel like the walls around me are cracking. That the world is crumbling around me and I am just desperately trying to shelter my head, trying to cover my face, trying to protect my body from as much damage as possible. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know where to start piecing the fallen bits of my life back together and how to create a new life from scratch in place of the old one.
I have just been in a constant state of near tears. Doing everything I can to hold back the tears with the dams that are my eyelids, trying to stay strong, be solid and grit my teeth through it all. But I wont lie and say that it has been easy. Packing up a home with 7 years of memories in it, boxing up love and hope, bagging your past present and future with a man whom you always thought would be the one is perhaps one of the most difficult things you could ever do. And while my heart is saying one thing I know that I must listen to my head, heed the warning in my gut and go with what they say. Because your heart can play tricks on you. It can lead you to believe that love is enough. That just because we have the bond that we have, since we have the love and the history that we have, since this is all tearing me up inside that we should stop this all and go back to who we were. But in the end I know that that is wrong. And as much as I would love to believe that love is enough, it really isn't. Because right now we are broken. There are so many things that need to change, so many lines that can never be uncrossed, so many cuts that need to heal before we can begin to make decisions for our future. And the world has a way of making the difficult, excruciating. Because while I would love to use this time to run on auto pilot. To clear my brain and think of good things it is impossible. The pictures and the cards from years passed that I run into while packing and unpacking make it impossible to not shed tears for times that once were. It is mourning a past that should have been the present. It is laying to rest a future that may never happen.
And I feel alone. Because over the last 6 and a half years you have been my constant. You have been my rock, and my foundation. You have been there for me when no one else would be. You have shown me what it is to love a persons faults. You have laughed with me, loved me when no one else would. You have rubbed my back as I threw up, sick enough that I felt I would never get better. You have covered my bare arms with a blanket that I was too weak to pull up on my own, sick from a flare that I felt could end me. You have filled my tank when my pocket was empty and you have filled my spirit when it was just as empty. And even now after the decisions have been made you continue to offer support to me, your best friend.
In a few short days I will be sitting in the house of near strangers. A friend so generous to offer me a place to stay until I can find my own, but with his parents presents the difficult part. I will be a guest for two weeks. Stuck in a place of uncertainty. With no place to call my own. And while this will be such a challenging time for me I hope that I can begin to heal. That through the process of being on my own. Of signing a lease into my own name and filling an apartment with everything that only I want I can begin to self reflect. To mend my broken self so that in turn, we can mend what has been broken between us. I hope that I can finally create the life that I've been speaking of for so long. I hope that I can overcome my fears, beat them to the ground and accomplish the things that I should have long ago. My goal is to work on enlightenment mentally, physically, and spiritually. Because it is never to late to create the life that you dreamed for yourself and it is never too late to be the person you know you should be. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know what God has intended for my future, And I don't know what is going to happen to us in the end. But the one thing that I wish for the both of us, the one thing that I want for you more than anything and the one thing that we both deserve is happiness. In whatever we are doing, and wherever we go in our futures I pray for nothing but peace and happiness for you. And to know that whatever has happened or will happen,
I will love you forever and always.
I have just been in a constant state of near tears. Doing everything I can to hold back the tears with the dams that are my eyelids, trying to stay strong, be solid and grit my teeth through it all. But I wont lie and say that it has been easy. Packing up a home with 7 years of memories in it, boxing up love and hope, bagging your past present and future with a man whom you always thought would be the one is perhaps one of the most difficult things you could ever do. And while my heart is saying one thing I know that I must listen to my head, heed the warning in my gut and go with what they say. Because your heart can play tricks on you. It can lead you to believe that love is enough. That just because we have the bond that we have, since we have the love and the history that we have, since this is all tearing me up inside that we should stop this all and go back to who we were. But in the end I know that that is wrong. And as much as I would love to believe that love is enough, it really isn't. Because right now we are broken. There are so many things that need to change, so many lines that can never be uncrossed, so many cuts that need to heal before we can begin to make decisions for our future. And the world has a way of making the difficult, excruciating. Because while I would love to use this time to run on auto pilot. To clear my brain and think of good things it is impossible. The pictures and the cards from years passed that I run into while packing and unpacking make it impossible to not shed tears for times that once were. It is mourning a past that should have been the present. It is laying to rest a future that may never happen.
And I feel alone. Because over the last 6 and a half years you have been my constant. You have been my rock, and my foundation. You have been there for me when no one else would be. You have shown me what it is to love a persons faults. You have laughed with me, loved me when no one else would. You have rubbed my back as I threw up, sick enough that I felt I would never get better. You have covered my bare arms with a blanket that I was too weak to pull up on my own, sick from a flare that I felt could end me. You have filled my tank when my pocket was empty and you have filled my spirit when it was just as empty. And even now after the decisions have been made you continue to offer support to me, your best friend.
In a few short days I will be sitting in the house of near strangers. A friend so generous to offer me a place to stay until I can find my own, but with his parents presents the difficult part. I will be a guest for two weeks. Stuck in a place of uncertainty. With no place to call my own. And while this will be such a challenging time for me I hope that I can begin to heal. That through the process of being on my own. Of signing a lease into my own name and filling an apartment with everything that only I want I can begin to self reflect. To mend my broken self so that in turn, we can mend what has been broken between us. I hope that I can finally create the life that I've been speaking of for so long. I hope that I can overcome my fears, beat them to the ground and accomplish the things that I should have long ago. My goal is to work on enlightenment mentally, physically, and spiritually. Because it is never to late to create the life that you dreamed for yourself and it is never too late to be the person you know you should be. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know what God has intended for my future, And I don't know what is going to happen to us in the end. But the one thing that I wish for the both of us, the one thing that I want for you more than anything and the one thing that we both deserve is happiness. In whatever we are doing, and wherever we go in our futures I pray for nothing but peace and happiness for you. And to know that whatever has happened or will happen,
I will love you forever and always.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
You could be happy
Because this is it and now its over and I don't know how we got so far away. Away from the people we were and who we were going to be because I cant even recognize you. Or us. Or me. I never thought this would happen and I never wanted it to end but it happened without any ones consent and now I'm lost and I'm broken and I never wanted that car ride to end.
I tried to hold on. I tried everything I could think of to not let go of everything we've ever had. So much history, way too much to just let go, and I tried. I tried so fucking hard to grasp those last few pieces we had left. I held on until my knuckles were white and my palms were bloodied but it didn't matter how hard I tried or how much you wanted it because the pieces slipped through the thin cracks between my fingers and fell to the ground. And it was a futile attempt from the beginning of this all and you know it because you cant force whats not right but we both tried so hard. So fucking hard.
And I don't know what to do when its just me and I'm without you because baby you've been my lungs and my soul and my heart for so long now that it feels like my chest has just gone hollow. But I can honestly say that I still love you to this day and that is something that will never change. I don't know what it is that we need. I don't know what will make this right. I don't know how we can salvage whats been lost and rebuild that future we always planned late at night. But I hope that there's a way and that we find it. Because when I picture the rest of my life without you in it I don't even want to say what it feels like.
Maybe we just need some time. Time to sort out what we've been going through to decide what we both really want. Because I don't want to force you and it feels like Ive just been pushing you. It was no secret that when we started this so many years ago that we were too young to even know the changes that happen as you grow. And we've both been trying to delay whats been happening, to make ourselves into the people we were when we met but its just not possible. I want nothing more in this entire world than for you to be happy and I think we owe it to each other to give life a chance on our own. Because can you really appreciate someone if you've never known your life without them? And the hardest part about this all is that I'm not only losing the man I love but the absolute best friend that Ive ever had. And it hurts to much to think of those days gone, I just hope that you remember your promise to me.
And its not your fault, I would never place blame on you or I or who we are. Because whatever has happened, happened through the wind and the trees and the natural order of things. But it doesn't make it any easier to part with the dark haired freckled goofball that I fell in love with so many years ago. But I worried then like I worry now that its not the same things that we want in life. Back then it didn't matter because we had love and we were young, no one could touch us and we were invincible. Back then we had such a passion for each other that no one could break even though they tried. I was addicted to the scent of your skin and you couldn't get enough of the way my hair tickled your chest when I'd lay my head on your shoulder. And the way that we could laugh until we cried and over the years cried until we laughed together. And I gave you my heart you knew my soul, and you promised you'd keep them safe.
We've made it through so much already that it just seems foolish to stop fighting now. But the strategy that we've used all along its not working this time so maybe if its changed we can change for good and come out of this alive. And I could talk for hours about the times we've had. The good and the bad and the unforgettable. About that night we spent under the stars. On the beach in the ocean laughing our love into the oncoming waves. Carefree and careless but it was ok because the water was warm and we had each other. We built this life together, we made this house together and now we're going to pack it up and turn our backs. But if I believe in anything its faith, and hope, and God, and Karma. I believe that God already has a plan and that this is apart of it. And I believe that if we're meant to be we will be. But we can force this any more.
And While I'm laying there alone at night. So wishing that I had you to hold me in the dark, I have to stay strong. And while I'm crying tears of sobering truth that soon this will be over, I have to stay strong. And while your still making me laugh until my stomach hurts so good and making my soul smile with the humor you've always had, I have to be strong. And when my breath constricts with the anxiety of the reality that I will be alone and completely on my own, I just have to inhale strength. To find a way to be strong. Because I have become the dependant person that I never wanted to be and for me, and you, and us I'm going to fix that.
"I'm takin all I have to take cause takin's gonna shape me"
-Kings of Leon, Knocked up
I tried to hold on. I tried everything I could think of to not let go of everything we've ever had. So much history, way too much to just let go, and I tried. I tried so fucking hard to grasp those last few pieces we had left. I held on until my knuckles were white and my palms were bloodied but it didn't matter how hard I tried or how much you wanted it because the pieces slipped through the thin cracks between my fingers and fell to the ground. And it was a futile attempt from the beginning of this all and you know it because you cant force whats not right but we both tried so hard. So fucking hard.
And I don't know what to do when its just me and I'm without you because baby you've been my lungs and my soul and my heart for so long now that it feels like my chest has just gone hollow. But I can honestly say that I still love you to this day and that is something that will never change. I don't know what it is that we need. I don't know what will make this right. I don't know how we can salvage whats been lost and rebuild that future we always planned late at night. But I hope that there's a way and that we find it. Because when I picture the rest of my life without you in it I don't even want to say what it feels like.
Maybe we just need some time. Time to sort out what we've been going through to decide what we both really want. Because I don't want to force you and it feels like Ive just been pushing you. It was no secret that when we started this so many years ago that we were too young to even know the changes that happen as you grow. And we've both been trying to delay whats been happening, to make ourselves into the people we were when we met but its just not possible. I want nothing more in this entire world than for you to be happy and I think we owe it to each other to give life a chance on our own. Because can you really appreciate someone if you've never known your life without them? And the hardest part about this all is that I'm not only losing the man I love but the absolute best friend that Ive ever had. And it hurts to much to think of those days gone, I just hope that you remember your promise to me.
And its not your fault, I would never place blame on you or I or who we are. Because whatever has happened, happened through the wind and the trees and the natural order of things. But it doesn't make it any easier to part with the dark haired freckled goofball that I fell in love with so many years ago. But I worried then like I worry now that its not the same things that we want in life. Back then it didn't matter because we had love and we were young, no one could touch us and we were invincible. Back then we had such a passion for each other that no one could break even though they tried. I was addicted to the scent of your skin and you couldn't get enough of the way my hair tickled your chest when I'd lay my head on your shoulder. And the way that we could laugh until we cried and over the years cried until we laughed together. And I gave you my heart you knew my soul, and you promised you'd keep them safe.
We've made it through so much already that it just seems foolish to stop fighting now. But the strategy that we've used all along its not working this time so maybe if its changed we can change for good and come out of this alive. And I could talk for hours about the times we've had. The good and the bad and the unforgettable. About that night we spent under the stars. On the beach in the ocean laughing our love into the oncoming waves. Carefree and careless but it was ok because the water was warm and we had each other. We built this life together, we made this house together and now we're going to pack it up and turn our backs. But if I believe in anything its faith, and hope, and God, and Karma. I believe that God already has a plan and that this is apart of it. And I believe that if we're meant to be we will be. But we can force this any more.
And While I'm laying there alone at night. So wishing that I had you to hold me in the dark, I have to stay strong. And while I'm crying tears of sobering truth that soon this will be over, I have to stay strong. And while your still making me laugh until my stomach hurts so good and making my soul smile with the humor you've always had, I have to be strong. And when my breath constricts with the anxiety of the reality that I will be alone and completely on my own, I just have to inhale strength. To find a way to be strong. Because I have become the dependant person that I never wanted to be and for me, and you, and us I'm going to fix that.
"I'm takin all I have to take cause takin's gonna shape me"
-Kings of Leon, Knocked up
Monday, April 26, 2010
Just another dirty face
I saw you yesterday. You didn't see me, at least im pretty sure of that. In your own world high up in that stupid truck you own. Its been years. Truley years since I've even thought of you. Anger and shame is long gone baby, cause your not worth my time. You weren't worth it all that time ago either, but try telling that to a beautiful disaster. One look at your face and the floodgates of memory open and the lingering smell of wet concrete and old red seats come in. Long nights shared with you. Never to my face. No not to my face and if I'm really honest with myself, I can say that I truly don't know if that was more for your benefit or mine. Desperate to feel needed I took it too far. Desperate to feel satisfied you let it come in. Your fault or mine?
I was a young girl trying to be grown. Long blonde hair, small waist, and an ignorence for truth. You smelled the wetness behind my ears a mile away. Preyed on it, got high off it. I was self destructive, trying to find a way out, out of what im not sure. Life? Reality? The sheer normalcy of the yellow painted house called home? But you knew what to do, you knew how to work me, you knew I would break.
Children of technology it started simply enough. Too late summer nights spent behind that screen. Hours we would talk. Typing fast, the world falling away around us. I wish I could say I shared my soul with you. But I cant. I shared lies with you. I rehearsed the words that I knew you would want to hear. But all this time later I take solace in knowing that you didn't know me. You never knew me and you never broke me. I wasn't attracted to you. But you didn't want me and that was too much to accept. Boys wanted me. Plenty of them. Not new to the sideways glances of young brown eyes I waited for yours to come calling.
And of course they came. My body was present, my mind a mile away. Away from that night, away from the cheapness, the sickening truth of it all. It was October and much like the rain, I was falling. Splattered on the concrete I was forgotten. It was over before it started but the effects of it just begining. As if I needed any other reason to lower myself that night. As if I needed any other reason to be nobody. A Truce made true between two friends, between us this will stay. Of course just another lie spoken that late October night.
Ironically enough the car was parked in the parking lot of my youth. Middle school, not long ago yet a million miles from where I sat. Not much had changed really. Hips wider, and an inch taller, but mentally, just the same. I let you bother me too long. I let your shallow poison drip into the torn innocence of my heart. But one day I laid myself to sleep, and upon the bright sun of the morning let you go. Let you go, let that time go. I realized that the decisions you make in the vulnerability of your youth don't define you. You change and you grow and the dirtiness accrued at one time or another drips off your back and fall to the ground. You can be new. You can be clean, you can be free of mistakes of your past.
I dont know why I saw you that day. I dont know why old memories were stirred or why our paths crossed. But I do know that it left me with a smirk. Because Ive made it and you havent. In a few days Ill be on my way to California. On may way to the dream of my life. I'll be free and careless, sand between my toes and my soul being cleansed by the goodness of the sun. And once again, you'll be nothing but an old memory, filed away in the dusty corners of my brain. You'll be alone, and lonely, and ill be flushed with the love of another. You may have shook me for a time half a decade ago, but you didn't break me. You tried but you failed. You fell into the abyss that is nothing.
I was a young girl trying to be grown. Long blonde hair, small waist, and an ignorence for truth. You smelled the wetness behind my ears a mile away. Preyed on it, got high off it. I was self destructive, trying to find a way out, out of what im not sure. Life? Reality? The sheer normalcy of the yellow painted house called home? But you knew what to do, you knew how to work me, you knew I would break.
Children of technology it started simply enough. Too late summer nights spent behind that screen. Hours we would talk. Typing fast, the world falling away around us. I wish I could say I shared my soul with you. But I cant. I shared lies with you. I rehearsed the words that I knew you would want to hear. But all this time later I take solace in knowing that you didn't know me. You never knew me and you never broke me. I wasn't attracted to you. But you didn't want me and that was too much to accept. Boys wanted me. Plenty of them. Not new to the sideways glances of young brown eyes I waited for yours to come calling.
And of course they came. My body was present, my mind a mile away. Away from that night, away from the cheapness, the sickening truth of it all. It was October and much like the rain, I was falling. Splattered on the concrete I was forgotten. It was over before it started but the effects of it just begining. As if I needed any other reason to lower myself that night. As if I needed any other reason to be nobody. A Truce made true between two friends, between us this will stay. Of course just another lie spoken that late October night.
Ironically enough the car was parked in the parking lot of my youth. Middle school, not long ago yet a million miles from where I sat. Not much had changed really. Hips wider, and an inch taller, but mentally, just the same. I let you bother me too long. I let your shallow poison drip into the torn innocence of my heart. But one day I laid myself to sleep, and upon the bright sun of the morning let you go. Let you go, let that time go. I realized that the decisions you make in the vulnerability of your youth don't define you. You change and you grow and the dirtiness accrued at one time or another drips off your back and fall to the ground. You can be new. You can be clean, you can be free of mistakes of your past.
I dont know why I saw you that day. I dont know why old memories were stirred or why our paths crossed. But I do know that it left me with a smirk. Because Ive made it and you havent. In a few days Ill be on my way to California. On may way to the dream of my life. I'll be free and careless, sand between my toes and my soul being cleansed by the goodness of the sun. And once again, you'll be nothing but an old memory, filed away in the dusty corners of my brain. You'll be alone, and lonely, and ill be flushed with the love of another. You may have shook me for a time half a decade ago, but you didn't break me. You tried but you failed. You fell into the abyss that is nothing.
A little story 'bout Jack and Diane
Its the first day of spring and I have definitely sprung. Today I felt alive as I was speeding home from my massage, loose and warm. The moon roof open, windows down and the radio turned so far up it became my heartbeat. The soft sun and warm air speeding in on me as i cruised down the road in my new car. I felt alive, awake and present. I felt like i could do anything take any risk and accomplish anything. I had just entered the pastures of Enumclaw when I decided to take a detour. Decided to change the station and go straight instead of turning left to home. And as i passed the fields of the city of my childhood, smelled the air of the place that Ive called home for nearly 10 years i felt like i could do this. I can tell my anxiety to fuck off and make the changes that need to be made. At that moment i could have told the world to fuck off and packed my car.
I could have filled the trunk with necessities and memories, backseat covered with blankets for my dog and the passenger seat full of the only necessity i really need; my love. i could have grabbed my camera, hung it from my neck and captured everything that i saw from here to California. Backups on I5 and pissed off commuters. The area of nothing but desert from southern Oregon to central California. Potty breaks for the puppy at cheap truck stops and the silhouette of the dark haired, freckled skinned, goof ball that has morphed into the man that I love; in the dusky minutes before the sun sets below the horizon. We would take detours onto the 101 just to see the ocean. To center us, to remember where we are and why we're doing this, to remember that its just him and i creating this life, creating this memory that is our early twenties. To remember that its in our hands. We would park under the bright stars of California in the warm night air, puppy asleep in the back, us laying on a fleece blanket on the hood. Talking but not. Talking with our bodies, understanding each other for the new people we have become. Two lovers not new to each other in reality but in fantasy fresh and exciting. Hearts beating and sweat beading on our foreheads partially from the heat, partially from the excitement of being someplace new, someplace forbidden, and partially from the passion seeping from our pores.
We would pull into the cheapest motels we could find. Backpacks full of only the bare minimum, bad take out food in our hands. We'd spread out on the hard queen sized mattress, pass around food and crack open our laptops. On a mission to upload, edit, and share the photos of my life. To review the previous day, pick out the most inspiring and edit to create the perfect immortal memory. Uploading to Flickr and updating my blog so that i can always remember what this time was like when my life was young. When my eyes were wide and my responsibilities few. And then we would fall asleep exhausted from the constant go, run down from not having a place to call home; in a bed not ours, with our puppy content between us feeling safe. And then we would go, keep going, keep pushing on until we drive through a place that feels like home to us. A place where we could see ourselves grocery shopping, working jobs that we'll tire of, and setting up a home to call ours. Would it be Santa Monica? San Luis Obispo? Would it be a place our ears had never heard before? We would be home and our life would be new. I would be free of the job, the experiences, and the heartache that transformed me into a woman. We would talk long hours on the phone to our families. The supporting, loving, unconditional families that we should have had from the beginning. And every three months we would make that familiar drive north to visit the town of our youth, to drive the streets we drove at 17, and to see the family and friends that helped shape our beings.
I would feel at home in the state that birthed me, at home in the glory that is the sun. California Dreamin. And we would live there proud of ourselves for changing what needed to be changed. All forgiven of the raised voices and jagged lines drawn in the sand of our past. We would be new. And we would no longer be afraid of not being the 15 and 16 year old children we once were. We would no longer be afraid of not being nestled under the protective wings of our parents. Death Cab would be a constant. The sound track of our lives year after year. "You may tire of me, as our December sun is setting, cause I'm not who I used to be"... But we wont be afraid. We'll grow together, laugh together, and be careless together. We'll accept that we wont ever tire of each other, we'll be content that we did it. We made it. Against the statistics. Against the nay sayers, against the natural order of things. We grew together from the moment we fell in love standing in the concrete courtyard of our youth. Thinner than now, more immature than now, more hopeful than now. Two self absorbed kids of 15 and 16 meeting for the first time. Two kids who's lives were changed forever as our blue/brown eyes met for the first time. Looking into the eyes of our future. Proud of ourselves that we fought the fight. Because no, love is not patient, it is not kind, and it does get jealous and boastful, it is not easy and it takes work but thats why its so rewarding. That is why its the most sought after, that is why we feel at home in each others arms.
And so we would live there. The day to day. We would become California natives, find jobs we don't particularly like and "peel the freckles from our shoulders...". We would stay, for months? Years? Decades? We wouldn't know but that will be OK because we did it together. We did this. We took the steps to make the change and we survived. We're alive and in love, happy and free.
I could have filled the trunk with necessities and memories, backseat covered with blankets for my dog and the passenger seat full of the only necessity i really need; my love. i could have grabbed my camera, hung it from my neck and captured everything that i saw from here to California. Backups on I5 and pissed off commuters. The area of nothing but desert from southern Oregon to central California. Potty breaks for the puppy at cheap truck stops and the silhouette of the dark haired, freckled skinned, goof ball that has morphed into the man that I love; in the dusky minutes before the sun sets below the horizon. We would take detours onto the 101 just to see the ocean. To center us, to remember where we are and why we're doing this, to remember that its just him and i creating this life, creating this memory that is our early twenties. To remember that its in our hands. We would park under the bright stars of California in the warm night air, puppy asleep in the back, us laying on a fleece blanket on the hood. Talking but not. Talking with our bodies, understanding each other for the new people we have become. Two lovers not new to each other in reality but in fantasy fresh and exciting. Hearts beating and sweat beading on our foreheads partially from the heat, partially from the excitement of being someplace new, someplace forbidden, and partially from the passion seeping from our pores.
We would pull into the cheapest motels we could find. Backpacks full of only the bare minimum, bad take out food in our hands. We'd spread out on the hard queen sized mattress, pass around food and crack open our laptops. On a mission to upload, edit, and share the photos of my life. To review the previous day, pick out the most inspiring and edit to create the perfect immortal memory. Uploading to Flickr and updating my blog so that i can always remember what this time was like when my life was young. When my eyes were wide and my responsibilities few. And then we would fall asleep exhausted from the constant go, run down from not having a place to call home; in a bed not ours, with our puppy content between us feeling safe. And then we would go, keep going, keep pushing on until we drive through a place that feels like home to us. A place where we could see ourselves grocery shopping, working jobs that we'll tire of, and setting up a home to call ours. Would it be Santa Monica? San Luis Obispo? Would it be a place our ears had never heard before? We would be home and our life would be new. I would be free of the job, the experiences, and the heartache that transformed me into a woman. We would talk long hours on the phone to our families. The supporting, loving, unconditional families that we should have had from the beginning. And every three months we would make that familiar drive north to visit the town of our youth, to drive the streets we drove at 17, and to see the family and friends that helped shape our beings.
I would feel at home in the state that birthed me, at home in the glory that is the sun. California Dreamin. And we would live there proud of ourselves for changing what needed to be changed. All forgiven of the raised voices and jagged lines drawn in the sand of our past. We would be new. And we would no longer be afraid of not being the 15 and 16 year old children we once were. We would no longer be afraid of not being nestled under the protective wings of our parents. Death Cab would be a constant. The sound track of our lives year after year. "You may tire of me, as our December sun is setting, cause I'm not who I used to be"... But we wont be afraid. We'll grow together, laugh together, and be careless together. We'll accept that we wont ever tire of each other, we'll be content that we did it. We made it. Against the statistics. Against the nay sayers, against the natural order of things. We grew together from the moment we fell in love standing in the concrete courtyard of our youth. Thinner than now, more immature than now, more hopeful than now. Two self absorbed kids of 15 and 16 meeting for the first time. Two kids who's lives were changed forever as our blue/brown eyes met for the first time. Looking into the eyes of our future. Proud of ourselves that we fought the fight. Because no, love is not patient, it is not kind, and it does get jealous and boastful, it is not easy and it takes work but thats why its so rewarding. That is why its the most sought after, that is why we feel at home in each others arms.
And so we would live there. The day to day. We would become California natives, find jobs we don't particularly like and "peel the freckles from our shoulders...". We would stay, for months? Years? Decades? We wouldn't know but that will be OK because we did it together. We did this. We took the steps to make the change and we survived. We're alive and in love, happy and free.
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