Because this is it and now its over and I don't know how we got so far away. Away from the people we were and who we were going to be because I cant even recognize you. Or us. Or me. I never thought this would happen and I never wanted it to end but it happened without any ones consent and now I'm lost and I'm broken and I never wanted that car ride to end.
I tried to hold on. I tried everything I could think of to not let go of everything we've ever had. So much history, way too much to just let go, and I tried. I tried so fucking hard to grasp those last few pieces we had left. I held on until my knuckles were white and my palms were bloodied but it didn't matter how hard I tried or how much you wanted it because the pieces slipped through the thin cracks between my fingers and fell to the ground. And it was a futile attempt from the beginning of this all and you know it because you cant force whats not right but we both tried so hard. So fucking hard.
And I don't know what to do when its just me and I'm without you because baby you've been my lungs and my soul and my heart for so long now that it feels like my chest has just gone hollow. But I can honestly say that I still love you to this day and that is something that will never change. I don't know what it is that we need. I don't know what will make this right. I don't know how we can salvage whats been lost and rebuild that future we always planned late at night. But I hope that there's a way and that we find it. Because when I picture the rest of my life without you in it I don't even want to say what it feels like.
Maybe we just need some time. Time to sort out what we've been going through to decide what we both really want. Because I don't want to force you and it feels like Ive just been pushing you. It was no secret that when we started this so many years ago that we were too young to even know the changes that happen as you grow. And we've both been trying to delay whats been happening, to make ourselves into the people we were when we met but its just not possible. I want nothing more in this entire world than for you to be happy and I think we owe it to each other to give life a chance on our own. Because can you really appreciate someone if you've never known your life without them? And the hardest part about this all is that I'm not only losing the man I love but the absolute best friend that Ive ever had. And it hurts to much to think of those days gone, I just hope that you remember your promise to me.
And its not your fault, I would never place blame on you or I or who we are. Because whatever has happened, happened through the wind and the trees and the natural order of things. But it doesn't make it any easier to part with the dark haired freckled goofball that I fell in love with so many years ago. But I worried then like I worry now that its not the same things that we want in life. Back then it didn't matter because we had love and we were young, no one could touch us and we were invincible. Back then we had such a passion for each other that no one could break even though they tried. I was addicted to the scent of your skin and you couldn't get enough of the way my hair tickled your chest when I'd lay my head on your shoulder. And the way that we could laugh until we cried and over the years cried until we laughed together. And I gave you my heart you knew my soul, and you promised you'd keep them safe.
We've made it through so much already that it just seems foolish to stop fighting now. But the strategy that we've used all along its not working this time so maybe if its changed we can change for good and come out of this alive. And I could talk for hours about the times we've had. The good and the bad and the unforgettable. About that night we spent under the stars. On the beach in the ocean laughing our love into the oncoming waves. Carefree and careless but it was ok because the water was warm and we had each other. We built this life together, we made this house together and now we're going to pack it up and turn our backs. But if I believe in anything its faith, and hope, and God, and Karma. I believe that God already has a plan and that this is apart of it. And I believe that if we're meant to be we will be. But we can force this any more.
And While I'm laying there alone at night. So wishing that I had you to hold me in the dark, I have to stay strong. And while I'm crying tears of sobering truth that soon this will be over, I have to stay strong. And while your still making me laugh until my stomach hurts so good and making my soul smile with the humor you've always had, I have to be strong. And when my breath constricts with the anxiety of the reality that I will be alone and completely on my own, I just have to inhale strength. To find a way to be strong. Because I have become the dependant person that I never wanted to be and for me, and you, and us I'm going to fix that.
"I'm takin all I have to take cause takin's gonna shape me"
-Kings of Leon, Knocked up
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