Namaste

Today was my third yoga class and it is safe to say that I am addicted. My name is Bonnie, I'm 21, and I'm addicted to Bikram yoga.

It is absolutly one of the hardest things I've ever done but also one of the most rewarding. Its no big secret that me and physical activity don't generally get along. I was the poor chubby kid in elementary school PE class getting lapped by the next slowest person as I frantically tried to keep one foot moving in front of the other around the track. Seven year old lungs rapidly contracting as my chest felt like God had just crumpled it up like it were a blue lined scrap piece of paper. And everything just went downhill from there. Through the rest of elementary school I took every opportunity to not participate, to participate as little as possible, or to just take the easy way out and ask to be excused to the nurse. Its a very common misconception that children can keep up on an equal level of physical activity, I was the perfect example of one of the kids that couldn't. In sixth grade I had a full on panic attack when forced to run the track of the small gym for twelve minutes straight. That ended with a phone call to my mother, speculation on problems at home, and a nice feeling of humiliation for the rest of the year every time I stepped into that gym. Middle school was no better. Maybe even worse as I was the new kid at school. In the small town I now live in, there aren't often new kids and everyone has grown up together since preschool. We moved here in October of my seventh grade year right in time for dancing in PE! Let me tell you just how fun that was, no one really wanting to dance with the new kid. I mean who is that new kid right? She awkward and insecure, and less than thrilled about joining us. So lets not chose her just so she can be placed with the unlucky prepubescence schmuck that gets chosen for her! High school was a little better. No longer feeling out of place, and finally secure enough in myself to not care if I embarrassed myself pathetically trying to participate in whatever activity it was. Most of the time I just wouldn't participate at all and that is where my first ever D on a report card came from. Mom was proud it wasn't an F. Dad was pissed I mean who fails PE anyways?

After high school my diet didn't change much. Not really eating more, or different than I did when I was still classified as a high schooler. But even though that didn't change, my daily activity level decreased quite a bit. That plus no longer eating on the schedule of the school made for a horrible equation ending with a good thirty pounds gained. And those thirty pound have stayed. No matter what I do. I try the gym, I really do. And I can handle it on certain days, but as a general rule I hate it. 45-60 minutes on a treadmill, sweat dripping down my back, while I try to focus on the horrible tv in front of me is my idea of hell. Strength training is no better.

I had done yoga before. Regular, calming, low impact yoga. But I never really saw results with that either. That was until I finally got up enough courage to do it. The closest place that does Hot yoga is about thirty minutes away. Not bad, but enough distance to try and make excuses. But I wasnt going to let my own lazy ass get in my way this time! Plus with the new student special they were offering I really had no reason to say no. So it was decided. Sunday morning, at 10:00 Im going. I'm getting up, getting dressed, the key is going in the ignition, and off we go to sweat beading, muscle shaking bliss!.... except for I refused to wake up to the 8:00 am alarm and instead slept until 10:00. But thats ok! Theres another chance at 4:30 and this time, nothing will get in my way! And this time I really did it. I got there, checked in, stood at the white wood framed french doors took a deep breath in and opened the door. Immediately the heat curled around you and your sucked in. Not too bad though, I can handle this! A little humid- 40% to be exact, but not as bad as I thought! That was until the class started and panic began to set in.

I can say that I have never released that much sweat. Ever. It felt as if I had taken a shower in warm salty tap water. Most of the class I was flat on my back eyes closed, desperatly trying to get rid of that horrible dizzy, nausous, im either going to die or throw up feeling. But that was ok! To be expected for the first class, and even the second and third. I wasnt the only one struggeling so that was also comforting. I have to admitt that my attitude wasnt entirly positive the whole time. Thoughts were floating through my head that ranged between 'Please God if you let me survive this I promise I will listen to Derek from now on and just lift the god damn weights!' to 'I'm going to throw up, no, No I'm not I'll be OK. No I'm definitely going to throw up'. to 'well OK the end is near, I'm actually going to survive this. but im never coming back'! When class finally ended and I had laid in Savasana long enough I stood up, rolled my sweaty mat up and headed for the door. The second that the door was opened and the cool refreshing air flowed into the room I felt like I had never felt before. My eyes were opened, my body was cleansed, and my outlook was renewed like never before. It was a high that Ive never felt and I was immediately hooked!

Once in the car, the moon roof was opened, both windows went down, Death cab was put on play and my drive home commenced. I felt the happiest and most carefree that I have felt in a long time. And as I was speeding down the freeway, a genuine smile on my face with the cool April air pushing in on me and floating to my ears I felt like I could do this. I could do everything! That all of this stress that I've been going through these past few weeks, all of this uncertianty and hurt, frustration, and loss, all of it cannot and will not overcome me. That I am a strong person, a strong woman, and human being. Those 90 minutes in that little hot room surrounded by strong men and woman who all had one goal in mind changed me. It made me a better person in so many ways. Because along with all of the toxins, and the impurities that were flushed through my pores and soaked through my clothes was also all of the fear, and anxiety, and worry, and uncertainty of the future that I have been feeling. It was all gone. And all that was left was me. The person that I want to be, the person that I am working so hard on becoming. Because I can be happy on my own. Whether I am with that person or not, whether I am alone, or surrounded by the few people that love me, I am happy, I summer skincan be happy. And slowly but surely I am learning to depend more on myself to be happy than other people. That experience was exactly what I needed at this exact moment in my life. I need to learn how to make myself happy, how to be satisfied with myself, because if you put that responsibility in another person you will always be let down.

I don't know what my future is like. Hell I don't even know what tomorrow has in store for me, but that is OK. I will be OK- no matter what. And I am so grateful that I now have this amazing outlet to aid me in my journey. I have gone to a class after work three days in a row now and I feel like a whole new person. It is such a spiritual and cleansing experiance. And as I lay there feeling so sick, I know deep down that I can do this. I can stay in this room the entire 90 minutes. I can take the rest that I need, and then get back in the game. I can hold this pose the whole 45 seconds and I can push on to the second set. I can wipe the sweat from my neck and wipe it again, I can not give a damn what anyone else thinks, and I can push myself through this. I can not worry about tomorrow and I can leave it in God's hands. Because in the end it all comes down to him. He created me. Strong, independent, and capable. It is just up to me to discover how deep those things are buried within me, and then pull them out. Lift them out of me and use them, and instead push down the insecure, anxious, Dependant person that I have been. Because that is not me, it is not who I wanted to be when I grew up, and its not who I will be in the future.

Alis Volat Proriis
'She flies by her own wings'