But I fear our time has come

It was 11:00 at night and we had been working since morning. We knew that this was it and bitterness filled the air. The goal was to be finished by midnight- the day that we actually had to be out, but it was apparent before then that we weren't quite finished. One more day was all we needed, but still this felt like the end. Tonight would be the first night that we went our separate ways. You, to your parents house. Me, to my best friends house. And when we were so tired we just couldn't do it anymore we circled the house, locking windows and turning down light switches. We turned the porch light on, locked the door and stepped into the cool nights air. And I lost it. But you had it together. I felt my heart crack and the breath catch in my throat. I was nothing but cold sweat in the cool early June air and the tears came without permission. I cried and I cried and I said that I didn't want this. I was overcome with emotion ready to go back on everything that I had said because I love you and I want you and oh God please don't leave me...

But you felt nothing. I stood there and cried and you wrapped your arms around me in the reassuring grip of one friend to another. And it made me so angry that you were so unaffected by this. But at the time I was only angry that this was so easy for you, the hurt not quite set in. But I still thought that I needed to give you time. That your tears and your heartache would come and that you would reach out to me. But it didn't happen, and it still hasn't happened. And now I am just left with a great feeling of confusion. I haven't allowed myself to cry, or grieve over this. Partially because I'm hurting so much that Ive reached that blockage that wont allow tears, and partially because I'm afraid that if I start crying I wont ever stop.

What happened to us? We used to be so in love. We had such passion for each other. Our love was strong, unbreakable, and invincible. It didn't matter what we did or didn't do, as long as we were with the other we were happy. Somehow that intense love turned into pointed fingers, crossed arms, and a lack of trying. I am not perfect and I have made plenty of mistakes of my own when it comes to us, but I feel like I have tried and tried and tried until my heart was laying on the floor and my arms fatigued from the grasp of trying to keep everything together. And I will not apologize for feeling like you stopped trying along time ago. Slowly we stopped going out, we stopped cuddling in the afternoon, we stopped laughing the way we used to, we stopped making love almost entirely, we stopped being us. And eventually I just got tired of being ignored and hurt and I tried to talk with you. Tried to get to the bottom of why this was happening but it never got us anywhere. And your responses would do nothing but hurt me. Because none of that used to matter.

It never used to matter what was on the tv because we would huddle under a blanket and cuddle and talk and laugh and just exist together. We would talk about our futures and we would talk about our past. But now I cant remember the last time we did this. Now all I remember is me alone under the blanket, and you across the room seperating us with the computer, or video games, or the tv. It never used to matter the destination we could just drive to drive. We would hold hands and crank the radio. We would be silent but we were so connected that we were constantly communicating, even without words. Sunny days with the windows down and music notes pumping from the speakers are some of my favorite memoreis. Days where we would drive from the afternoon until the sun was setting below the horizen behind us. But now all we ever do is point A to point B and as im turning the music up your right behind me turning it down. It never used to matter what time it was. We were so happy to be sleeping next to eachother that we would wake up and scooch closer together to feel the softness of eachothers skin, and then we would drift in and out of sleep for hours. Cuddeling and laughing, and ignoring phone calls. It never used to matter what the argument was we would fight and yell and then we would apologize and kiss and go on with our lives. We loved each other unconditionally and there was not one thing I could think of that I disliked about you. But now...

You have given up. For what reasons? I'm not really sure. Maybe I made things too easy for you. I took care of you, cleaned the house, made you dinner every night, listened to you talk and did everything that I could to make you happy. I acted as your wife without the commitment and you liked that a whole lot. And eventually instead of feeling pride for everything i did for you I began to feel used and taken advantage of. I felt like I was getting nothing in return, like I was in this relationship alone, and slowly resentment began to set in. Or maybe you really have just lost your love for me. And if that is the case then my heart will break but I'll be ok. Because I just want you to be happy, and know that I deserve to be happy as well. But I just want to know so that I can stop investing myself in a dead end dream. There used to be a time where I was all you needed. There used to be a time you couldn't keep your hands off me. There used to be a time you couldn't imagine falling asleep when we were apart without saying goodnight. There used to be a time where you would do everything that you could to keep me.

I never want to regret all the years that we spent together. Please don't ever make me regret that. And I pray that we can make this work. That we can fix whats broken and get back to how we used to be. But I know that things can never be the same. That once certain lines are crossed you can never go back. I know that relationships change and grow and stagger at certain points but I know that I deserve more. I want to be with a man that cant imagine his life without me, not someone who is indifferent. And this hurts so much but now I have to step back. Because I cant be the one to hold this together any longer.

i said i wish that we could stay here
but i fear our time is come
we could ride out in the darkness
chasing the rising sun
we gotta pack our bags this instant
we're headin' southbound til the next town
and if we arrive there so safely
baby you could lay me down
-The Dirty Heads, Lay me down

Under everything, Just another Human being

I am sitting here surrounded by darkness of a room that isn't mine, sitting on the firmness of a bed on loan, sitting here listening to the rhythmic beat of the spring rain that falls outside of a window that doesn't belong to me. I'm alone and I'm lonely. Confused, torn, lost, broken, tired, and defeated. Once again each night I have sat down to chronicle the events of the last several days and I have just been unable to. I don't want to speak or write the words of the reality that has fallen into our laps. And while a million different thoughts and regrets and questions are running through my brain there is a constant whisper in the darkened corners taunting me that this is what I wanted. We bought the boxes, carefully shaped them into squares, secured them tightly with bright red duct tape and packed away the days of our lives. We stacked the memories, and wrapped the laughter in bubble wrap so carefully as not to damage the integrity. We said goodbye to slammed doors and crossed arms leaving those memories to sleep for good. And when I entered the bedroom that we shared for nearly two years, completely empty from everything that was once us- diminished to nothing but ugly brown carpet and semi white walls I was overwhelmed with memories of saturday mornings. With the sun shining in the windows, us under the sheets, faces tinged blue from the dyed cloth, belly laughing until it ached so good , completly lost in the moments that were ours and no one else's. I remembered the nights that the unknown woke me from sleep leaving me quietly laying in the softness when you would stir next to me, roll over and wrap your arms around me. Subconsciously protecting me from whatever lay in the dark. We were so connected that you knew when I needed you even when you were peacefully slumbering away. And even when I tried I was unable to think of the shameful times where words were thrown and names were called. The times when we forgot who we were and allowed anger and jealousy and hurt turn us into strangers with furrowed brows and rigid shoulders.

We stripped the walls and rolled the rugs of the living room. Packing away every detail that made this small, outdated two bedroom duplex with the crooked corners and the brown accents ours. I stayed strong and focused in front of you. But as soon as you left for another errand I sat on the slate grey carpet surrounded by random trinkets yet to be tucked away, listening to nothing but the rain outside and I cried. Big round tears formed in my eyes and slid off my chin into the carpet that we'll never collapse on in a fit of tickles and laughs again. I thought of the friends that have sat in our living room, on the furniture that we chose together and laughed with us and shared our home, and the pride that we held for creating this place. I thought of the movies watched under the safety of the red blanket with the lights turned low and our puppy tucked snugly between us. So comfortable, so safe, and content that I usually never made it through a whole movie. But I didnt think of the backs turned and the frustrating conversations that we seemed to have a hundred times never getting anywhere.

We wrapped each dish in each cubbard carefully with newspaper in hopes of not losing any to chipped edges or cracked faces in the move. We packed away the smells that used to fill the house and make belly's grumble. We slid the pride I would have when I created a new dish or perfected an old one, into plastic bins and stuffed them to the top. I saw myself standing at the cutting board chopping colorful vegetables, creating memories of my own. I chose to see that instead of the dishes piled high neglected for weeks much to my dismay.

And then we loaded the trailer, we stuffed the wagon, and filled the Passat and we drove our lives to the 10x10 we rented down the road. And then you drove away. Off to your parents house. Back to the place that carries bad memories and hurt childhoods, but it is where you chose. I turned the other direction left to float between a generous friends family and my sisters house. Relying on my car to be my closet. I never in a thousand stormy days thought that I would be homeless at any point in my life. But here I am and I could sit here and go into each reason why I chose what I chose and detail how the inner conflict between my head and my heart is panning out but today, I am not going to do that. Today I am going to leave this post to chronicle the love that we shared in that house. To pay respect to the two years that we were happy there. To offer hope to the prospect of rebuilding what has been broken in order to get back to the toothy grins and silly faces that we have shared for nearly seven years. There is plenty of time to work through the complex and tangled reasons why we are in this situation to begin with. But for now, all I can do is Just breath.

"Oh I'm a lucky (wo)man, to count on both hands
the ones I love,..
Some folks just have one,
yeah, others, they've got none, huh-uh
Stay with me,..

Let's just breathe.

Practiced are my sins,
never gonna let me win, aw-huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,..
Yeh, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world
to make me bleed.
Stay with me,..

You're all I see. "
-Pearl Jam, Just Breathe