Under everything, Just another Human being

I am sitting here surrounded by darkness of a room that isn't mine, sitting on the firmness of a bed on loan, sitting here listening to the rhythmic beat of the spring rain that falls outside of a window that doesn't belong to me. I'm alone and I'm lonely. Confused, torn, lost, broken, tired, and defeated. Once again each night I have sat down to chronicle the events of the last several days and I have just been unable to. I don't want to speak or write the words of the reality that has fallen into our laps. And while a million different thoughts and regrets and questions are running through my brain there is a constant whisper in the darkened corners taunting me that this is what I wanted. We bought the boxes, carefully shaped them into squares, secured them tightly with bright red duct tape and packed away the days of our lives. We stacked the memories, and wrapped the laughter in bubble wrap so carefully as not to damage the integrity. We said goodbye to slammed doors and crossed arms leaving those memories to sleep for good. And when I entered the bedroom that we shared for nearly two years, completely empty from everything that was once us- diminished to nothing but ugly brown carpet and semi white walls I was overwhelmed with memories of saturday mornings. With the sun shining in the windows, us under the sheets, faces tinged blue from the dyed cloth, belly laughing until it ached so good , completly lost in the moments that were ours and no one else's. I remembered the nights that the unknown woke me from sleep leaving me quietly laying in the softness when you would stir next to me, roll over and wrap your arms around me. Subconsciously protecting me from whatever lay in the dark. We were so connected that you knew when I needed you even when you were peacefully slumbering away. And even when I tried I was unable to think of the shameful times where words were thrown and names were called. The times when we forgot who we were and allowed anger and jealousy and hurt turn us into strangers with furrowed brows and rigid shoulders.

We stripped the walls and rolled the rugs of the living room. Packing away every detail that made this small, outdated two bedroom duplex with the crooked corners and the brown accents ours. I stayed strong and focused in front of you. But as soon as you left for another errand I sat on the slate grey carpet surrounded by random trinkets yet to be tucked away, listening to nothing but the rain outside and I cried. Big round tears formed in my eyes and slid off my chin into the carpet that we'll never collapse on in a fit of tickles and laughs again. I thought of the friends that have sat in our living room, on the furniture that we chose together and laughed with us and shared our home, and the pride that we held for creating this place. I thought of the movies watched under the safety of the red blanket with the lights turned low and our puppy tucked snugly between us. So comfortable, so safe, and content that I usually never made it through a whole movie. But I didnt think of the backs turned and the frustrating conversations that we seemed to have a hundred times never getting anywhere.

We wrapped each dish in each cubbard carefully with newspaper in hopes of not losing any to chipped edges or cracked faces in the move. We packed away the smells that used to fill the house and make belly's grumble. We slid the pride I would have when I created a new dish or perfected an old one, into plastic bins and stuffed them to the top. I saw myself standing at the cutting board chopping colorful vegetables, creating memories of my own. I chose to see that instead of the dishes piled high neglected for weeks much to my dismay.

And then we loaded the trailer, we stuffed the wagon, and filled the Passat and we drove our lives to the 10x10 we rented down the road. And then you drove away. Off to your parents house. Back to the place that carries bad memories and hurt childhoods, but it is where you chose. I turned the other direction left to float between a generous friends family and my sisters house. Relying on my car to be my closet. I never in a thousand stormy days thought that I would be homeless at any point in my life. But here I am and I could sit here and go into each reason why I chose what I chose and detail how the inner conflict between my head and my heart is panning out but today, I am not going to do that. Today I am going to leave this post to chronicle the love that we shared in that house. To pay respect to the two years that we were happy there. To offer hope to the prospect of rebuilding what has been broken in order to get back to the toothy grins and silly faces that we have shared for nearly seven years. There is plenty of time to work through the complex and tangled reasons why we are in this situation to begin with. But for now, all I can do is Just breath.

"Oh I'm a lucky (wo)man, to count on both hands
the ones I love,..
Some folks just have one,
yeah, others, they've got none, huh-uh
Stay with me,..

Let's just breathe.

Practiced are my sins,
never gonna let me win, aw-huh,..
Under everything, just another human being, aw-huh,..
Yeh, I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world
to make me bleed.
Stay with me,..

You're all I see. "
-Pearl Jam, Just Breathe