I need you so much closer

I never thought that I would end up here. But here I am and I'm lost, and I'm alone, confused and broken. I don't know what to do now, or next and I'm not even quite sure what to say. Usually through the dark crevices of my brain words can flow freely from my fingertips to document the times and the feelings, the events, and the troubles. But not this time. In a few short days I will be without a home. Stuck in a place with no address and no belongings that are mine. Over the past several days we have begun packing our home. The place that was ours for a year and four months. The place that has seen the highest highs and some devastating lows, the place that I will cry, and mourn for once the keys are out of our hands. This is quite possibly one of the most difficult times in my life. And it is exceedingly difficult to believe that things will get better eventually. There isn't one area where I feel secure. Not one place in my life that is a constant. That I feel like I can breath easy and sleep with confidence that at least I have this. Or at least that will not change. And while I sit here in the bare room of the house we worked so hard for I cant help but feel like the walls around me are cracking. That the world is crumbling around me and I am just desperately trying to shelter my head, trying to cover my face, trying to protect my body from as much damage as possible. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know where to start piecing the fallen bits of my life back together and how to create a new life from scratch in place of the old one.

I have just been in a constant state of near tears. Doing everything I can to hold back the tears with the dams that are my eyelids, trying to stay strong, be solid and grit my teeth through it all. But I wont lie and say that it has been easy. Packing up a home with 7 years of memories in it, boxing up love and hope, bagging your past present and future with a man whom you always thought would be the one is perhaps one of the most difficult things you could ever do. And while my heart is saying one thing I know that I must listen to my head, heed the warning in my gut and go with what they say. Because your heart can play tricks on you. It can lead you to believe that love is enough. That just because we have the bond that we have, since we have the love and the history that we have, since this is all tearing me up inside that we should stop this all and go back to who we were. But in the end I know that that is wrong. And as much as I would love to believe that love is enough, it really isn't. Because right now we are broken. There are so many things that need to change, so many lines that can never be uncrossed, so many cuts that need to heal before we can begin to make decisions for our future. And the world has a way of making the difficult, excruciating. Because while I would love to use this time to run on auto pilot. To clear my brain and think of good things it is impossible. The pictures and the cards from years passed that I run into while packing and unpacking make it impossible to not shed tears for times that once were. It is mourning a past that should have been the present. It is laying to rest a future that may never happen.

And I feel alone. Because over the last 6 and a half years you have been my constant. You have been my rock, and my foundation. You have been there for me when no one else would be. You have shown me what it is to love a persons faults. You have laughed with me, loved me when no one else would. You have rubbed my back as I threw up, sick enough that I felt I would never get better. You have covered my bare arms with a blanket that I was too weak to pull up on my own, sick from a flare that I felt could end me. You have filled my tank when my pocket was empty and you have filled my spirit when it was just as empty. And even now after the decisions have been made you continue to offer support to me, your best friend.

In a few short days I will be sitting in the house of near strangers. A friend so generous to offer me a place to stay until I can find my own, but with his parents presents the difficult part. I will be a guest for two weeks. Stuck in a place of uncertainty. With no place to call my own. And while this will be such a challenging time for me I hope that I can begin to heal. That through the process of being on my own. Of signing a lease into my own name and filling an apartment with everything that only I want I can begin to self reflect. To mend my broken self so that in turn, we can mend what has been broken between us. I hope that I can finally create the life that I've been speaking of for so long. I hope that I can overcome my fears, beat them to the ground and accomplish the things that I should have long ago. My goal is to work on enlightenment mentally, physically, and spiritually. Because it is never to late to create the life that you dreamed for yourself and it is never too late to be the person you know you should be. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know what God has intended for my future, And I don't know what is going to happen to us in the end. But the one thing that I wish for the both of us, the one thing that I want for you more than anything and the one thing that we both deserve is happiness. In whatever we are doing, and wherever we go in our futures I pray for nothing but peace and happiness for you. And to know that whatever has happened or will happen,

I will love you forever and always.

Just another dirty face

I saw you yesterday. You didn't see me, at least im pretty sure of that. In your own world high up in that stupid truck you own. Its been years. Truley years since I've even thought of you. Anger and shame is long gone baby, cause your not worth my time. You weren't worth it all that time ago either, but try telling that to a beautiful disaster. One look at your face and the floodgates of memory open and the lingering smell of wet concrete and old red seats come in. Long nights shared with you. Never to my face. No not to my face and if I'm really honest with myself, I can say that I truly don't know if that was more for your benefit or mine. Desperate to feel needed I took it too far. Desperate to feel satisfied you let it come in. Your fault or mine?

I was a young girl trying to be grown. Long blonde hair, small waist, and an ignorence for truth. You smelled the wetness behind my ears a mile away. Preyed on it, got high off it. I was self destructive, trying to find a way out, out of what im not sure. Life? Reality? The sheer normalcy of the yellow painted house called home? But you knew what to do, you knew how to work me, you knew I would break.

Children of technology it started simply enough. Too late summer nights spent behind that screen. Hours we would talk. Typing fast, the world falling away around us. I wish I could say I shared my soul with you. But I cant. I shared lies with you. I rehearsed the words that I knew you would want to hear. But all this time later I take solace in knowing that you didn't know me. You never knew me and you never broke me. I wasn't attracted to you. But you didn't want me and that was too much to accept. Boys wanted me. Plenty of them. Not new to the sideways glances of young brown eyes I waited for yours to come calling.

And of course they came. My body was present, my mind a mile away. Away from that night, away from the cheapness, the sickening truth of it all. It was October and much like the rain, I was falling. Splattered on the concrete I was forgotten. It was over before it started but the effects of it just begining. As if I needed any other reason to lower myself that night. As if I needed any other reason to be nobody. A Truce made true between two friends, between us this will stay. Of course just another lie spoken that late October night.

Ironically enough the car was parked in the parking lot of my youth. Middle school, not long ago yet a million miles from where I sat. Not much had changed really. Hips wider, and an inch taller, but mentally, just the same. I let you bother me too long. I let your shallow poison drip into the torn innocence of my heart. But one day I laid myself to sleep, and upon the bright sun of the morning let you go. Let you go, let that time go. I realized that the decisions you make in the vulnerability of your youth don't define you. You change and you grow and the dirtiness accrued at one time or another drips off your back and fall to the ground. You can be new. You can be clean, you can be free of mistakes of your past.

I dont know why I saw you that day. I dont know why old memories were stirred or why our paths crossed. But I do know that it left me with a smirk. Because Ive made it and you havent. In a few days Ill be on my way to California. On may way to the dream of my life. I'll be free and careless, sand between my toes and my soul being cleansed by the goodness of the sun. And once again, you'll be nothing but an old memory, filed away in the dusty corners of my brain. You'll be alone, and lonely, and ill be flushed with the love of another. You may have shook me for a time half a decade ago, but you didn't break me. You tried but you failed. You fell into the abyss that is nothing.