I never thought that I would end up here. But here I am and I'm lost, and I'm alone, confused and broken. I don't know what to do now, or next and I'm not even quite sure what to say. Usually through the dark crevices of my brain words can flow freely from my fingertips to document the times and the feelings, the events, and the troubles. But not this time. In a few short days I will be without a home. Stuck in a place with no address and no belongings that are mine. Over the past several days we have begun packing our home. The place that was ours for a year and four months. The place that has seen the highest highs and some devastating lows, the place that I will cry, and mourn for once the keys are out of our hands. This is quite possibly one of the most difficult times in my life. And it is exceedingly difficult to believe that things will get better eventually. There isn't one area where I feel secure. Not one place in my life that is a constant. That I feel like I can breath easy and sleep with confidence that at least I have this. Or at least that will not change. And while I sit here in the bare room of the house we worked so hard for I cant help but feel like the walls around me are cracking. That the world is crumbling around me and I am just desperately trying to shelter my head, trying to cover my face, trying to protect my body from as much damage as possible. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know where to start piecing the fallen bits of my life back together and how to create a new life from scratch in place of the old one.
I have just been in a constant state of near tears. Doing everything I can to hold back the tears with the dams that are my eyelids, trying to stay strong, be solid and grit my teeth through it all. But I wont lie and say that it has been easy. Packing up a home with 7 years of memories in it, boxing up love and hope, bagging your past present and future with a man whom you always thought would be the one is perhaps one of the most difficult things you could ever do. And while my heart is saying one thing I know that I must listen to my head, heed the warning in my gut and go with what they say. Because your heart can play tricks on you. It can lead you to believe that love is enough. That just because we have the bond that we have, since we have the love and the history that we have, since this is all tearing me up inside that we should stop this all and go back to who we were. But in the end I know that that is wrong. And as much as I would love to believe that love is enough, it really isn't. Because right now we are broken. There are so many things that need to change, so many lines that can never be uncrossed, so many cuts that need to heal before we can begin to make decisions for our future. And the world has a way of making the difficult, excruciating. Because while I would love to use this time to run on auto pilot. To clear my brain and think of good things it is impossible. The pictures and the cards from years passed that I run into while packing and unpacking make it impossible to not shed tears for times that once were. It is mourning a past that should have been the present. It is laying to rest a future that may never happen.
And I feel alone. Because over the last 6 and a half years you have been my constant. You have been my rock, and my foundation. You have been there for me when no one else would be. You have shown me what it is to love a persons faults. You have laughed with me, loved me when no one else would. You have rubbed my back as I threw up, sick enough that I felt I would never get better. You have covered my bare arms with a blanket that I was too weak to pull up on my own, sick from a flare that I felt could end me. You have filled my tank when my pocket was empty and you have filled my spirit when it was just as empty. And even now after the decisions have been made you continue to offer support to me, your best friend.
In a few short days I will be sitting in the house of near strangers. A friend so generous to offer me a place to stay until I can find my own, but with his parents presents the difficult part. I will be a guest for two weeks. Stuck in a place of uncertainty. With no place to call my own. And while this will be such a challenging time for me I hope that I can begin to heal. That through the process of being on my own. Of signing a lease into my own name and filling an apartment with everything that only I want I can begin to self reflect. To mend my broken self so that in turn, we can mend what has been broken between us. I hope that I can finally create the life that I've been speaking of for so long. I hope that I can overcome my fears, beat them to the ground and accomplish the things that I should have long ago. My goal is to work on enlightenment mentally, physically, and spiritually. Because it is never to late to create the life that you dreamed for yourself and it is never too late to be the person you know you should be. I don't know what the future holds, I don't know what God has intended for my future, And I don't know what is going to happen to us in the end. But the one thing that I wish for the both of us, the one thing that I want for you more than anything and the one thing that we both deserve is happiness. In whatever we are doing, and wherever we go in our futures I pray for nothing but peace and happiness for you. And to know that whatever has happened or will happen,
I will love you forever and always.
Showing posts with label strength. Show all posts
Showing posts with label strength. Show all posts
Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
You could be happy
Because this is it and now its over and I don't know how we got so far away. Away from the people we were and who we were going to be because I cant even recognize you. Or us. Or me. I never thought this would happen and I never wanted it to end but it happened without any ones consent and now I'm lost and I'm broken and I never wanted that car ride to end.
I tried to hold on. I tried everything I could think of to not let go of everything we've ever had. So much history, way too much to just let go, and I tried. I tried so fucking hard to grasp those last few pieces we had left. I held on until my knuckles were white and my palms were bloodied but it didn't matter how hard I tried or how much you wanted it because the pieces slipped through the thin cracks between my fingers and fell to the ground. And it was a futile attempt from the beginning of this all and you know it because you cant force whats not right but we both tried so hard. So fucking hard.
And I don't know what to do when its just me and I'm without you because baby you've been my lungs and my soul and my heart for so long now that it feels like my chest has just gone hollow. But I can honestly say that I still love you to this day and that is something that will never change. I don't know what it is that we need. I don't know what will make this right. I don't know how we can salvage whats been lost and rebuild that future we always planned late at night. But I hope that there's a way and that we find it. Because when I picture the rest of my life without you in it I don't even want to say what it feels like.
Maybe we just need some time. Time to sort out what we've been going through to decide what we both really want. Because I don't want to force you and it feels like Ive just been pushing you. It was no secret that when we started this so many years ago that we were too young to even know the changes that happen as you grow. And we've both been trying to delay whats been happening, to make ourselves into the people we were when we met but its just not possible. I want nothing more in this entire world than for you to be happy and I think we owe it to each other to give life a chance on our own. Because can you really appreciate someone if you've never known your life without them? And the hardest part about this all is that I'm not only losing the man I love but the absolute best friend that Ive ever had. And it hurts to much to think of those days gone, I just hope that you remember your promise to me.
And its not your fault, I would never place blame on you or I or who we are. Because whatever has happened, happened through the wind and the trees and the natural order of things. But it doesn't make it any easier to part with the dark haired freckled goofball that I fell in love with so many years ago. But I worried then like I worry now that its not the same things that we want in life. Back then it didn't matter because we had love and we were young, no one could touch us and we were invincible. Back then we had such a passion for each other that no one could break even though they tried. I was addicted to the scent of your skin and you couldn't get enough of the way my hair tickled your chest when I'd lay my head on your shoulder. And the way that we could laugh until we cried and over the years cried until we laughed together. And I gave you my heart you knew my soul, and you promised you'd keep them safe.
We've made it through so much already that it just seems foolish to stop fighting now. But the strategy that we've used all along its not working this time so maybe if its changed we can change for good and come out of this alive. And I could talk for hours about the times we've had. The good and the bad and the unforgettable. About that night we spent under the stars. On the beach in the ocean laughing our love into the oncoming waves. Carefree and careless but it was ok because the water was warm and we had each other. We built this life together, we made this house together and now we're going to pack it up and turn our backs. But if I believe in anything its faith, and hope, and God, and Karma. I believe that God already has a plan and that this is apart of it. And I believe that if we're meant to be we will be. But we can force this any more.
And While I'm laying there alone at night. So wishing that I had you to hold me in the dark, I have to stay strong. And while I'm crying tears of sobering truth that soon this will be over, I have to stay strong. And while your still making me laugh until my stomach hurts so good and making my soul smile with the humor you've always had, I have to be strong. And when my breath constricts with the anxiety of the reality that I will be alone and completely on my own, I just have to inhale strength. To find a way to be strong. Because I have become the dependant person that I never wanted to be and for me, and you, and us I'm going to fix that.
"I'm takin all I have to take cause takin's gonna shape me"
-Kings of Leon, Knocked up
I tried to hold on. I tried everything I could think of to not let go of everything we've ever had. So much history, way too much to just let go, and I tried. I tried so fucking hard to grasp those last few pieces we had left. I held on until my knuckles were white and my palms were bloodied but it didn't matter how hard I tried or how much you wanted it because the pieces slipped through the thin cracks between my fingers and fell to the ground. And it was a futile attempt from the beginning of this all and you know it because you cant force whats not right but we both tried so hard. So fucking hard.
And I don't know what to do when its just me and I'm without you because baby you've been my lungs and my soul and my heart for so long now that it feels like my chest has just gone hollow. But I can honestly say that I still love you to this day and that is something that will never change. I don't know what it is that we need. I don't know what will make this right. I don't know how we can salvage whats been lost and rebuild that future we always planned late at night. But I hope that there's a way and that we find it. Because when I picture the rest of my life without you in it I don't even want to say what it feels like.
Maybe we just need some time. Time to sort out what we've been going through to decide what we both really want. Because I don't want to force you and it feels like Ive just been pushing you. It was no secret that when we started this so many years ago that we were too young to even know the changes that happen as you grow. And we've both been trying to delay whats been happening, to make ourselves into the people we were when we met but its just not possible. I want nothing more in this entire world than for you to be happy and I think we owe it to each other to give life a chance on our own. Because can you really appreciate someone if you've never known your life without them? And the hardest part about this all is that I'm not only losing the man I love but the absolute best friend that Ive ever had. And it hurts to much to think of those days gone, I just hope that you remember your promise to me.
And its not your fault, I would never place blame on you or I or who we are. Because whatever has happened, happened through the wind and the trees and the natural order of things. But it doesn't make it any easier to part with the dark haired freckled goofball that I fell in love with so many years ago. But I worried then like I worry now that its not the same things that we want in life. Back then it didn't matter because we had love and we were young, no one could touch us and we were invincible. Back then we had such a passion for each other that no one could break even though they tried. I was addicted to the scent of your skin and you couldn't get enough of the way my hair tickled your chest when I'd lay my head on your shoulder. And the way that we could laugh until we cried and over the years cried until we laughed together. And I gave you my heart you knew my soul, and you promised you'd keep them safe.
We've made it through so much already that it just seems foolish to stop fighting now. But the strategy that we've used all along its not working this time so maybe if its changed we can change for good and come out of this alive. And I could talk for hours about the times we've had. The good and the bad and the unforgettable. About that night we spent under the stars. On the beach in the ocean laughing our love into the oncoming waves. Carefree and careless but it was ok because the water was warm and we had each other. We built this life together, we made this house together and now we're going to pack it up and turn our backs. But if I believe in anything its faith, and hope, and God, and Karma. I believe that God already has a plan and that this is apart of it. And I believe that if we're meant to be we will be. But we can force this any more.
And While I'm laying there alone at night. So wishing that I had you to hold me in the dark, I have to stay strong. And while I'm crying tears of sobering truth that soon this will be over, I have to stay strong. And while your still making me laugh until my stomach hurts so good and making my soul smile with the humor you've always had, I have to be strong. And when my breath constricts with the anxiety of the reality that I will be alone and completely on my own, I just have to inhale strength. To find a way to be strong. Because I have become the dependant person that I never wanted to be and for me, and you, and us I'm going to fix that.
"I'm takin all I have to take cause takin's gonna shape me"
-Kings of Leon, Knocked up
Monday, April 26, 2010
Namaste
Today was my third yoga class and it is safe to say that I am addicted. My name is Bonnie, I'm 21, and I'm addicted to Bikram yoga.
It is absolutly one of the hardest things I've ever done but also one of the most rewarding. Its no big secret that me and physical activity don't generally get along. I was the poor chubby kid in elementary school PE class getting lapped by the next slowest person as I frantically tried to keep one foot moving in front of the other around the track. Seven year old lungs rapidly contracting as my chest felt like God had just crumpled it up like it were a blue lined scrap piece of paper. And everything just went downhill from there. Through the rest of elementary school I took every opportunity to not participate, to participate as little as possible, or to just take the easy way out and ask to be excused to the nurse. Its a very common misconception that children can keep up on an equal level of physical activity, I was the perfect example of one of the kids that couldn't. In sixth grade I had a full on panic attack when forced to run the track of the small gym for twelve minutes straight. That ended with a phone call to my mother, speculation on problems at home, and a nice feeling of humiliation for the rest of the year every time I stepped into that gym. Middle school was no better. Maybe even worse as I was the new kid at school. In the small town I now live in, there aren't often new kids and everyone has grown up together since preschool. We moved here in October of my seventh grade year right in time for dancing in PE! Let me tell you just how fun that was, no one really wanting to dance with the new kid. I mean who is that new kid right? She awkward and insecure, and less than thrilled about joining us. So lets not chose her just so she can be placed with the unlucky prepubescence schmuck that gets chosen for her! High school was a little better. No longer feeling out of place, and finally secure enough in myself to not care if I embarrassed myself pathetically trying to participate in whatever activity it was. Most of the time I just wouldn't participate at all and that is where my first ever D on a report card came from. Mom was proud it wasn't an F. Dad was pissed I mean who fails PE anyways?
After high school my diet didn't change much. Not really eating more, or different than I did when I was still classified as a high schooler. But even though that didn't change, my daily activity level decreased quite a bit. That plus no longer eating on the schedule of the school made for a horrible equation ending with a good thirty pounds gained. And those thirty pound have stayed. No matter what I do. I try the gym, I really do. And I can handle it on certain days, but as a general rule I hate it. 45-60 minutes on a treadmill, sweat dripping down my back, while I try to focus on the horrible tv in front of me is my idea of hell. Strength training is no better.
I had done yoga before. Regular, calming, low impact yoga. But I never really saw results with that either. That was until I finally got up enough courage to do it. The closest place that does Hot yoga is about thirty minutes away. Not bad, but enough distance to try and make excuses. But I wasnt going to let my own lazy ass get in my way this time! Plus with the new student special they were offering I really had no reason to say no. So it was decided. Sunday morning, at 10:00 Im going. I'm getting up, getting dressed, the key is going in the ignition, and off we go to sweat beading, muscle shaking bliss!.... except for I refused to wake up to the 8:00 am alarm and instead slept until 10:00. But thats ok! Theres another chance at 4:30 and this time, nothing will get in my way! And this time I really did it. I got there, checked in, stood at the white wood framed french doors took a deep breath in and opened the door. Immediately the heat curled around you and your sucked in. Not too bad though, I can handle this! A little humid- 40% to be exact, but not as bad as I thought! That was until the class started and panic began to set in.
I can say that I have never released that much sweat. Ever. It felt as if I had taken a shower in warm salty tap water. Most of the class I was flat on my back eyes closed, desperatly trying to get rid of that horrible dizzy, nausous, im either going to die or throw up feeling. But that was ok! To be expected for the first class, and even the second and third. I wasnt the only one struggeling so that was also comforting. I have to admitt that my attitude wasnt entirly positive the whole time. Thoughts were floating through my head that ranged between 'Please God if you let me survive this I promise I will listen to Derek from now on and just lift the god damn weights!' to 'I'm going to throw up, no, No I'm not I'll be OK. No I'm definitely going to throw up'. to 'well OK the end is near, I'm actually going to survive this. but im never coming back'! When class finally ended and I had laid in Savasana long enough I stood up, rolled my sweaty mat up and headed for the door. The second that the door was opened and the cool refreshing air flowed into the room I felt like I had never felt before. My eyes were opened, my body was cleansed, and my outlook was renewed like never before. It was a high that Ive never felt and I was immediately hooked!
Once in the car, the moon roof was opened, both windows went down, Death cab was put on play and my drive home commenced. I felt the happiest and most carefree that I have felt in a long time. And as I was speeding down the freeway, a genuine smile on my face with the cool April air pushing in on me and floating to my ears I felt like I could do this. I could do everything! That all of this stress that I've been going through these past few weeks, all of this uncertianty and hurt, frustration, and loss, all of it cannot and will not overcome me. That I am a strong person, a strong woman, and human being. Those 90 minutes in that little hot room surrounded by strong men and woman who all had one goal in mind changed me. It made me a better person in so many ways. Because along with all of the toxins, and the impurities that were flushed through my pores and soaked through my clothes was also all of the fear, and anxiety, and worry, and uncertainty of the future that I have been feeling. It was all gone. And all that was left was me. The person that I want to be, the person that I am working so hard on becoming. Because I can be happy on my own. Whether I am with that person or not, whether I am alone, or surrounded by the few people that love me, I am happy, I summer skincan be happy. And slowly but surely I am learning to depend more on myself to be happy than other people. That experience was exactly what I needed at this exact moment in my life. I need to learn how to make myself happy, how to be satisfied with myself, because if you put that responsibility in another person you will always be let down.
I don't know what my future is like. Hell I don't even know what tomorrow has in store for me, but that is OK. I will be OK- no matter what. And I am so grateful that I now have this amazing outlet to aid me in my journey. I have gone to a class after work three days in a row now and I feel like a whole new person. It is such a spiritual and cleansing experiance. And as I lay there feeling so sick, I know deep down that I can do this. I can stay in this room the entire 90 minutes. I can take the rest that I need, and then get back in the game. I can hold this pose the whole 45 seconds and I can push on to the second set. I can wipe the sweat from my neck and wipe it again, I can not give a damn what anyone else thinks, and I can push myself through this. I can not worry about tomorrow and I can leave it in God's hands. Because in the end it all comes down to him. He created me. Strong, independent, and capable. It is just up to me to discover how deep those things are buried within me, and then pull them out. Lift them out of me and use them, and instead push down the insecure, anxious, Dependant person that I have been. Because that is not me, it is not who I wanted to be when I grew up, and its not who I will be in the future.
Alis Volat Proriis
'She flies by her own wings'
It is absolutly one of the hardest things I've ever done but also one of the most rewarding. Its no big secret that me and physical activity don't generally get along. I was the poor chubby kid in elementary school PE class getting lapped by the next slowest person as I frantically tried to keep one foot moving in front of the other around the track. Seven year old lungs rapidly contracting as my chest felt like God had just crumpled it up like it were a blue lined scrap piece of paper. And everything just went downhill from there. Through the rest of elementary school I took every opportunity to not participate, to participate as little as possible, or to just take the easy way out and ask to be excused to the nurse. Its a very common misconception that children can keep up on an equal level of physical activity, I was the perfect example of one of the kids that couldn't. In sixth grade I had a full on panic attack when forced to run the track of the small gym for twelve minutes straight. That ended with a phone call to my mother, speculation on problems at home, and a nice feeling of humiliation for the rest of the year every time I stepped into that gym. Middle school was no better. Maybe even worse as I was the new kid at school. In the small town I now live in, there aren't often new kids and everyone has grown up together since preschool. We moved here in October of my seventh grade year right in time for dancing in PE! Let me tell you just how fun that was, no one really wanting to dance with the new kid. I mean who is that new kid right? She awkward and insecure, and less than thrilled about joining us. So lets not chose her just so she can be placed with the unlucky prepubescence schmuck that gets chosen for her! High school was a little better. No longer feeling out of place, and finally secure enough in myself to not care if I embarrassed myself pathetically trying to participate in whatever activity it was. Most of the time I just wouldn't participate at all and that is where my first ever D on a report card came from. Mom was proud it wasn't an F. Dad was pissed I mean who fails PE anyways?
After high school my diet didn't change much. Not really eating more, or different than I did when I was still classified as a high schooler. But even though that didn't change, my daily activity level decreased quite a bit. That plus no longer eating on the schedule of the school made for a horrible equation ending with a good thirty pounds gained. And those thirty pound have stayed. No matter what I do. I try the gym, I really do. And I can handle it on certain days, but as a general rule I hate it. 45-60 minutes on a treadmill, sweat dripping down my back, while I try to focus on the horrible tv in front of me is my idea of hell. Strength training is no better.
I had done yoga before. Regular, calming, low impact yoga. But I never really saw results with that either. That was until I finally got up enough courage to do it. The closest place that does Hot yoga is about thirty minutes away. Not bad, but enough distance to try and make excuses. But I wasnt going to let my own lazy ass get in my way this time! Plus with the new student special they were offering I really had no reason to say no. So it was decided. Sunday morning, at 10:00 Im going. I'm getting up, getting dressed, the key is going in the ignition, and off we go to sweat beading, muscle shaking bliss!.... except for I refused to wake up to the 8:00 am alarm and instead slept until 10:00. But thats ok! Theres another chance at 4:30 and this time, nothing will get in my way! And this time I really did it. I got there, checked in, stood at the white wood framed french doors took a deep breath in and opened the door. Immediately the heat curled around you and your sucked in. Not too bad though, I can handle this! A little humid- 40% to be exact, but not as bad as I thought! That was until the class started and panic began to set in.
I can say that I have never released that much sweat. Ever. It felt as if I had taken a shower in warm salty tap water. Most of the class I was flat on my back eyes closed, desperatly trying to get rid of that horrible dizzy, nausous, im either going to die or throw up feeling. But that was ok! To be expected for the first class, and even the second and third. I wasnt the only one struggeling so that was also comforting. I have to admitt that my attitude wasnt entirly positive the whole time. Thoughts were floating through my head that ranged between 'Please God if you let me survive this I promise I will listen to Derek from now on and just lift the god damn weights!' to 'I'm going to throw up, no, No I'm not I'll be OK. No I'm definitely going to throw up'. to 'well OK the end is near, I'm actually going to survive this. but im never coming back'! When class finally ended and I had laid in Savasana long enough I stood up, rolled my sweaty mat up and headed for the door. The second that the door was opened and the cool refreshing air flowed into the room I felt like I had never felt before. My eyes were opened, my body was cleansed, and my outlook was renewed like never before. It was a high that Ive never felt and I was immediately hooked!
Once in the car, the moon roof was opened, both windows went down, Death cab was put on play and my drive home commenced. I felt the happiest and most carefree that I have felt in a long time. And as I was speeding down the freeway, a genuine smile on my face with the cool April air pushing in on me and floating to my ears I felt like I could do this. I could do everything! That all of this stress that I've been going through these past few weeks, all of this uncertianty and hurt, frustration, and loss, all of it cannot and will not overcome me. That I am a strong person, a strong woman, and human being. Those 90 minutes in that little hot room surrounded by strong men and woman who all had one goal in mind changed me. It made me a better person in so many ways. Because along with all of the toxins, and the impurities that were flushed through my pores and soaked through my clothes was also all of the fear, and anxiety, and worry, and uncertainty of the future that I have been feeling. It was all gone. And all that was left was me. The person that I want to be, the person that I am working so hard on becoming. Because I can be happy on my own. Whether I am with that person or not, whether I am alone, or surrounded by the few people that love me, I am happy, I summer skincan be happy. And slowly but surely I am learning to depend more on myself to be happy than other people. That experience was exactly what I needed at this exact moment in my life. I need to learn how to make myself happy, how to be satisfied with myself, because if you put that responsibility in another person you will always be let down.
I don't know what my future is like. Hell I don't even know what tomorrow has in store for me, but that is OK. I will be OK- no matter what. And I am so grateful that I now have this amazing outlet to aid me in my journey. I have gone to a class after work three days in a row now and I feel like a whole new person. It is such a spiritual and cleansing experiance. And as I lay there feeling so sick, I know deep down that I can do this. I can stay in this room the entire 90 minutes. I can take the rest that I need, and then get back in the game. I can hold this pose the whole 45 seconds and I can push on to the second set. I can wipe the sweat from my neck and wipe it again, I can not give a damn what anyone else thinks, and I can push myself through this. I can not worry about tomorrow and I can leave it in God's hands. Because in the end it all comes down to him. He created me. Strong, independent, and capable. It is just up to me to discover how deep those things are buried within me, and then pull them out. Lift them out of me and use them, and instead push down the insecure, anxious, Dependant person that I have been. Because that is not me, it is not who I wanted to be when I grew up, and its not who I will be in the future.
Alis Volat Proriis
'She flies by her own wings'
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